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2008 Spring Video Roundup, Vol. II

6/8/08

"The Andromeda Strain"

I took in this two-day, four-hour TV event because I like "Outbreak"-style entertainment...unfortunately, this movie (which strangely was released on DVD like the day after it aired on A&E) features a decent cast that doesn't really have much to do.  Detailing a strange virus released from a satellite that crashes outside a small town in Utah, Benjamin Bratt continues his impossibly average career as the leader of a top-secret medical research team called Wildfire, which also features characters played by Daniel Dae Kim of "Lost" and Ricky Schroeder, a man who looks so much worse than even two years ago, when he appeared on the second half of the most recent season of "24".  In fact, Schroeder is the highlight here because he is so awful as a doctor with a past brush-up with the Bratt character; he seems unable to act, to emote anything resembling a real person's feelings, completely stiff (reading lines as if it's his cue, not as if he is listening to other characters and responding to them realistically) and looking like he just got out of a bar brawl...kind of like Cameron Diaz, times have not been kind to our former "Silver Spoons" star.  The movie, though, is blah, and its ending is comically bad.

Rating:  Rental

"Vacancy"

Amazingly, I just watched "The Strangers" in theaters, and then to watch "Vacancy" makes "The Strangers" actually look pretty good.  Starring Kate Beckinsale and Luke Wilson in classic "Here's Your Bag of Money" mode, "Vacancy" has like four characters, a shitty motel that seems to get bigger all movie long, and a baffling ending; can you stab someone in the chest, rip down on the knife, see a person bleed out, and then three hours later, have them magically roll over, perfectly alive?  I guess so...that, or movies really ARE all bullshit.

Rating:  Hard Vice

"Ratatouille"

Pixar's 2007 entry, done by the guy that gave us "The Incredibles", is incredible from a visual perspective but just never gets to the level that I expect from Pixar animated films...but, then again, I haven't loved any of the last half-dozen, so that should come as no surprise.  Even I will admit that "Ratatouille" has a great premise--what if one of Paris's best chefs actually gets all of his ideas from a freakin' rat, the absolute nastiest thing you could take food ideas from?  The voice work is great, but once we get into the meat of the movie, there isn't much there, and not until the last 20 minutes did I laugh or really get into the emotions of our human failure, Linguini (Lou Romano), or his rat mastermind Remy (Patton Oswalt), or the truly great character of this movie, the evil food critic Ego (Peter O'Toole, brilliant just with his voice work).  But, I haven't loved a Pixar flick since "Toy Story 2", so the rating for this film fits right in line with the rest.

Rating:  Matinee

"Fast Food Nation"

A drama covering the marketing of fast food products, the illegal immigrants who work in the trade and the questionable meat processing plants in which mass-marketed beef is produced, "Fast Food Nation" is at times truly brilliant and then--sometimes in the very next scene--heavy-handed, predictable and just plain blah.  The cast is as random as the movie--Bruce Willis, Avril Lavigne, Luis Guzman, Ethan Hawke, Wilmer Valderrama, Greg Kinnear, even fucking Kris Kristofferson shows up in this movie.  Some of these folks are great, some, not so much!  It's the classic up-and-down thrill ride, but if you can stick around long enough for the ending, the last five minutes of "Fast Food Nation" open up your eyes to what a REALLY shitty job would entail:  dumping cattle intestines without getting shit all over the meat.

Rating:  Matinee

"Ask the Dust"

Robert Towne (he wrote "Chinatown") wrote and directed this 1930s romance/drama, based on a novel by John Fante, and while he gets good performances out of leads Salma Hayek and Colin Farrell, the film never rises above average.  The sets are okay, the idea of a writer struggling in Los Angeles is incredibly tired (and done better during a similar period in the likes of "Barton Fink"), and forbidden love stories--Farrell plays an Italian, Hayek a Mexican, and you know how that goes back in the day--are a dime a dozen.  But, there's strangely enough going on at all times to keep you interested, and a surprisingly good subplot pops up mid-film thanks to a stranger who shows up in the writer's bedroom one night.  Eh.

Rating:  Matinee

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)