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2008 Fall Video Roundup, Vol. I

9/21/08

"The Wire", Season Five (ten one-hour episodes)

Watching the last three or four episodes of "The Wire"--its fifth season was also its last--was hard to enjoy mainly because you knew that when it was over, the last great TV show for a while was ending, too.  No more Avon & Stringer.  No more Major Crimes Unit.  No more Clay Davis.  No more Bubs...no more Omar.  No more McNulty getting bombed with Bunk at the local cop bar.  No more Prop Joe, corner boys, Cutty, Hamsterdam, Snoop, overtime, the writers at the Sun, or Marlo.  A sad, sad day indeed.  But, Meg and I watched it all, right to the end, right to the two "making of" pieces on the Features menu...right through the credits.  Brushing my teeth after watching, it all kind of hit me--TV shows rarely get it all right, showing us a real city with real problems felt by real people.  But, "The Wire" was that show, and by only airing for five seasons, at least it can say it went out on top, but you still get the feeling that they could have done a sixth...and, who knows what could have happened from there?

Rating:  Opening Weekend

"The Hoax"

Here's what I can tell you about "The Hoax", a Richard Gere film that nobody saw when it came out in '06:  I started watching it at 2:30 AM recently and had no problem staying awake to see it through.  A very good (not classic, just well done) comedy-thriller that follows the true story of Clifford Irving (Gere) and his made-up retelling of the biography of Howard Hughes back in the mid-70s, "The Hoax" gets a lot of mileage out of the pairing of Gere with Alfred Molina as nim-witted book researcher Dick Suskind, as well as good supporting performances from Hope Davis, Marcia Gay Harden, Stanley Tucci and others.  And, like any other product based on fact-based material, you almost can't believe some of the stuff that Irving does in order to keep everyone guessing as he collects money for his fake book from McGraw-Hill while consistently dodging the fact that...he has no facts!  Almost like a caper, "The Hoax" was surprisingly engaging.

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"Lady Vengeance"

I wanted to see this 2005 import because it was the last leg of a trilogy that included one of my favorites from '03, "Oldboy."  Unfortunately, I found this film to be strangely unwatchable; I think it was a mix of the randomly gratuitous violence and sexuality (although, one scene where a man finishes dinner, bends his wife over the kitchen table, and the two carry on a conversation about what to have for dinner the next night was oddly amusing) and the plot that aligned so closely to "Oldboy", with a woman (Yeong-ae Lee) imprisoned for nearly 14 years who is released only to seek vengeance upon the man who may have kidnapped her daughter.  All of this, subtitles, hokey plot elements, blood coming out of random orifices...wasn't for me!

Rating:  Hard Vice

"Midnight Meat Train"

Easily the best film title of 2008, Clive Barker's latest creation (he produced and wrote the short story on which the film is based) is one of the nastiest movies you will ever see.  And, the shittiest.  Bradley Cooper (probably best known as Sydney's love interest during the first season of "Alias") plays a photographer who becomes obsessed with taking pictures of a serial killer who kills people on a late-night subway train every day.  That's the whole movie.  Shitastic from the jump, at least "MMT" doesn't take itself very seriously, but it nearly put me to sleep whenever the movie was in-between bludgeon kills on the train.  Vinnie Jones does a great job as the killer, by not speaking any lines and making a meat cleaver do really nasty things.

Rating:  Hard Vice

"Battle Royale"

I don't know which one of you told me to add the Japanese films "Battle Royale" and "Battle Royale II" to my Netflix queue, but damn, this is some fucked-up stuff!  In the future, the Japanese government has decided to take an unusual step in the use of discipline for bad kids: why not send them to a deserted island, give each kid a weapon, and then have each of the kids hunt each other down?  A mix of "Survivor", "Lord of the Flies", and "Series 7", "Battle Royale" is black comedy that is red a whole hell of a lot, and it is strangely a good time thanks to hilarious death sequences, over-the-top Japanese acting (is there any other kind?) and hot co-eds in private school outfits.  (I felt only a little bit dirty writing that last part.)

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"Battle Royale II"

So, one of the survivors from the first film declares war on all adults worldwide three years after the events of the first film.  This leads the government to do the kids-on-the-island bit again, except this time, they are training a new class of 42 kids to take down the original film's survivor and his band of merry terrorists.  Of course, there's more to it than that, but this sequel is completely ridiculous, not the least of which features an all-out war between trained Japanese soldiers and teenage Japanese schoolchildren.  Guess who's more accurate, who's better trained, and who uses cover while shooting at their opponent?  Yep, the fuckin' kids!!!  This film is also 30 minutes longer than the first movie, a bad idea given that this is all thanks to bad editing and at least a dozen scream-to-the-sky death speeches.  One guy was about to die and he talked about how much he loved playing rugby.  No, I'm not kidding!  Save for a couple of decent action scenes, this sequel is mostly forgettable.

Rating:  Rental

"The Fountain"

I gave this Darren Aronofsky film an hour.  Mr. Aronofsky did "Pi" (no one saw it, but critics loved it), then "Requiem for a Dream" (great film, some people saw it), then he didn't make another movie for six years.  "The Fountain" was slaughtered by critics when it came out in '06, and now I know why--a time-hopping drama featuring over-produced "movie moments", camera angles that baffle more than inspire, two stars (Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz) who are amazingly wooden in their performances, and surgery on chimpanzees.  It's a mess, and after 61 minutes, I deleted it from my DVR.  Ugh!

Rating:  Hard Vice

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)