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2007 Winter Video Roundup, Vol. IV

3/6/07

"Ran"

I'm continuing my quest to see all of Akira Kurosawa's great films, and this 1985 King Lear interpretation is epic in every way, right down to all of the bodybags that this one piles up over the course of nearly three hours of film.  Crazy old guy Lord Hidetora (Tatsuya Nakadai) has one hell of a long year after he decides that he is done with this whole lording-over-the-countryside business, so he elects his eldest son Taro (Akira Terao) to take the reins...which REALLY pisses off sons #2 and #3.  Youngest son Saburo (Daisuke Ryu) quits town altogether and starts his own army/community miles away; son #2, Jiro (Jinpachi Nezu), plots to take over the family from within by taking out both Dad and Taro to take control of the family lands and castles.  Let's just say that things don't work out according to plan.  The sweeping battles are cool, the sets and costumes are stellar (it won the Oscar for Costume Design the year after its release), but the film drags whenever we have to watch Hidetora go even more crazy all movie long with only his court jester to take care of him...man, those scenes sucked.  Otherwise, "Ran" is great filmmaking even if this is not Kurosawa's best flick.

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"Hidden Fortress"

For some reason, I had read somewhere that George Lucas had based part of the "Star Wars" trilogy on Akira Kurosawa's "Hidden Fortress"...but, after seeing "Hidden Fortress", I don't know why any sane individual would do that, because I thought this was absolute dogshit.  I guess everyone's entitled to their own opinions, so with that in mind, I could give two shits that everyone thinks this is a classic--first thing in the morning, I could barely keep my eyes open while watching the dung pile up onscreen as we follow two bumbling idiots who--with the help of a professional soldier--discover a shitload of treasure and must make decisions to protect said treasure, along with a princess who looks a TON like Peter Pan.  It wasn't funny; the action was non-existent; the "hidden" fortress isn't really even hidden; the two lead bumbling guys get annoying FAST.  Wow, this has not aged well!

Rating:  Hard Vice

"Visitor Q"

This movie was so awful that I gave it a full 30 minutes and then slipped it back into the Netflix envelope to return to sender.  Why was it so awful?  Well, I know that whenever I get a film that is deemed "experimental" I know that things can go south in a hurry, but this one was a dog from the jump because it wasn't about anything AND the "art" of the cinema was not worth a lick here.  Directed by the guy that did "Ichi the Killer" (which I liked, even IF it was occasionally nasty and wrong), "Visitor Q" needs to be buried and never viewed by any soul ever again!

Rating:  Hard Vice

"Shaolin Soccer"

I loved Stephen Chow's "Kung Fu Hustle", and in a similar fashion, "Shaolin Soccer" is completely nonsensical, ridiculous, hilarious, over-the-top, and utterly fantastic.  There are at least five drop-dead, fall-out-of-your-chair laughter-filled moments in "Shaolin Soccer", thanks in part to the so-stupid-it's-brilliant idea that kung fu fused with soccer would make a team of family misfits who have no soccer talent whatsoever champions of a local tournament.  Chow has a real gift and if you haven't seen one or both of his imported films, it's worth checking them out.

Rating:  Opening Weekend

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)