Video Reviews

bellview--i love movies

Home | Movie Reviews | Video Roundups | Essays | Game Reviews | Subscribe | Mailbag | About | Search

2007 Winter Video Roundup, Vol. I

1/5/07

"Rescue Me", Season I (13 45-minute episodes)

After a very slow start (a solid five episodes or so), "Rescue Me" picked up nicely...especially if you like a "Desperate Housewives" or a "Sex and the City"-driven sex romp for guys.  In fact, I think that "Rescue Me" probably plays pretty well for both sexes, but more so for women; even though it plays like it might be a 9/11 firefighter dramedy, in reality, the second half of the first season was about, in no particular, threesomes, bangin' your dead friend/cousin's ex-wife, stalker gay lovers, extramarital affairs and pinup calendar hookups with twins.  OCCASIONALLY, it's about firefighting.  I typically don't watch these kinds of shows because, well, I'm a guy, and I prefer shows that are either just about sex/porn, or about a real drama with some laughs thrown in..."Rescue Me" reminds me of what "Grey's Anatomy" is probably like, being mostly about sexual office antics and occasionally about being a doctor.  If "Rescue Me" was a 30-minute sitcom, I might like it better...or, if there was anything cool to learn about firefighting, I also might like it better.  With eight billion shows on TV, I don't think I will re-enlist for a second tour of this puppy, but I will admit that the second half of the first season had some decent laughs.  (I will also admit that I don't really need to see Denis Leary bangin' someone doggie-style oh, um, every fucking episode.)

Rating:  Matinee

"The Jacket"

This psychological sci-fi thriller has a stunning list of names attached to it--producers George Clooney and Steven Soderbergh; stars Keira Knightley, Adrien Brody, Daniel Craig, Ally Sheedy, Kris Kristofferson...too bad the final result is so amazingly uninteresting.  Brody plays a Persian Gulf War vet who gets shot in the head when the movie opens.  Then, we watch him either kill or take part in the murder of a Vermont state trooper.  Then he shows up at a mental institution where a doctor (Kristofferson) tries to "treat" his mental insanity by putting him in a strait jacket and then into a morgue locker.  Then the vet goes REALLY crazy.  Even the premise of "The Jacket" didn't really wow me, but a fairly disjointed murder mystery then ensues courtesy of the time-travel abilities of the jacket...yeah.  You lost me at "hello."

Rating:  Rental

"The Pacifier"

I just had to know--why would Vin Dinsel take a check from Disney to do a kids flick?  Why???  "The Pacifier" is not very good but it is not God-awful; as a SEAL member who is assigned to watch the family of a high-level ally in Bethesda, Diesel plays a stoic type who has no family and is therefore out of his element by having to watch five kids over the course of what seems like a month.  The idea is ridiculous, if not crazy irresponsible that any sane parent would leave her five kids with a military man with no family, but that's besides the point--the laughs for adults are few and far between, and the kids aren't very interesting as they go through the individual drama that this new age "Uncle Buck" tries to lay on us.  It can successfully be argued, though, that no one in the history of film looks better in plain white V-neck t-shirts than Diesel, on full pec display here.

Rating:  Rental

"The Woodsman"

Featuring a stellar and completely random cast, "The Woodsman"--starring Kevin Bacon as a recently-released sex offender who is trying for a fresh start--is a solid, unsettling film about what it might be like for anyone who really is attempting a life on the clean path and what we as people will do to keep those folks down.  Mos Def, David Alan Grier, Benjamin Bratt and Bacon's wife, Kyra Sedgwick, all add interesting personas to the mix here, but nothing is scarier that Bacon's work in the last few minutes of the film, when he encounters an 11-year-old girl in a park all alone.  Now, I can KINDA see why some parents are so nervous to let their kids walk the streets alone during the daytime!

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"Bandidas"

I had heard about "Bandidas" while it was still in development, and you know why: Salma Hayek AND Penelope Cruz as law-dis-abiding citizens in turn-of-the-century Mexico who rob banks Robin Hood-style to get back at los gringos!!!  This hottie dreamteam was too much to ignore...but then, it was easy to ignore, because the film was never released in theaters.  THAT is a bad sign, especially given the star power here.  Well, it came out on DVD recently, and now I know why it wasn't even dumped into theaters--"Bandidas" is a complete pile of fucking shit.  Where do I start?  Love interest--Steve Zahn?  (Maybe "National Security 2" is on hiatus.)  Bad guy--Dwight Yoakam?  (???)  PG-13 rating, with bad action, no skin, nearly no profanity?  A mismatched buddy-cop idea, without the cop angle, so we get one bougie bad woman, and one no-class bad woman?  Ugh, this fucking thing was fucking awful.  But, I had to see it, because Hayek is in it...even in this walking dung, Hayek still looks amazing.

Rating:  Hard Vice

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)