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2006 Summer Video Roundups, Vol. IV

9/4/06

"Empire"

I love a good gangster-on-the-rise flick, and with John Leguizamo and a bunch of rappers in tow, I figured, what the fuck?  "Empire" stars Leguizamo as Vic, head of a drug trade operation in the South Bronx that is currently the big dog, but when a string of unfortunate hits leaves some of his competitors dead, Vic decides that, along with his sweetheart Carmen (Delilah Cotto), he wants to Get Out of the Game, still my favorite moment in any crime movie.  I just LOVE it when bad guys have finally said, "You know what, I'm sick of the cash, the hoes, the game, the cars...I want to go LEGIT, know what I'm sayin'???"  Unfortunately, the Vic decision to go legit and involve himself with a high-end investment banker (Peter Sarsgaard) makes "Empire" fall out of my comfort zone, because the movie goes to shit in its second half.  Leguizamo isn't bad, but many of the other cast members--like Fat Joe and Treach, who are awful, like co-star Denise Richards--help kill the mood.

Rating:  Rental

"Belly"

Staying with the theme of rappers, crime and drugs, I finally caught up with the DMX/Nas drug drama from a few years ago...and, again, as a film that is all style, nearly no substance, Hype Williams drops the ball on this one because save for some cool visuals and the constant energy of DMX, "Belly" has a shit script, badly-filmed action sequences (LOVED the bit where Jamaican drug dealer Oz guns down about a dozen guys that have better weapons, the element of surprise and the power of numbers before dying at the hands of a knife-wielding exotic dancer/assassin) and the same "I'm gettin' outta the game" storyline.  Nas is so bad that it makes you wonder how he even got the part in this film; maybe because he was a co-writer somebody decided it would be good to also put him in the movie??  (Also bad--Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins, from the group TLC; by the time she is suggesting to her husband in the film that they move to Africa, I was laughing every time she uttered her lines.)  I actually thought that "Belly" would be better, but again, besides having some of the coolest apartments and houses ever filmed all in the same movie and overall good cinematography, this one is a dog.

Rating:  Rental

"The Brothers McMullen"

Rounding out a day of bad acting (I saw all three of the films so far here on Labor Day), "The Brothers McMullen" is Edward Burns' entry into feature films and I was very disappointed in this one, maybe because the true love plotting was the stuff of hack legend but also because save for Burns, 95% of the acting in this movie is shockingly awful.  In particular, the portrayals of eldest McMullen brother, Jack (Jack Mulcahy), and the girlfriend of the Burns character, Audrey (Maxine Bahns), are atrocious; even when I was watching, I was thinking "I'll bet that girl was banging the director or something" because she is that bad.  (Of course, in research I'm doing right now, I was right!)  I did enjoy the very Irish soundtrack, featuring lots of flute work done by some guy named Seamus, and there are some good laughs thanks to the Burns character and youngest McMullen Patrick (Mike McGlone).  But overall, I was surprised because I thought this one would be funnier, or provide funnier insights into relationships...sadly, I was wrong on both counts.

Rating:  Rental

"The Human Stain"

I was intrigued about this one when I saw the trailer for it a few years ago, but never got around to hitting this in a theater.  "The Human Stain" follows an English professor (Anthony Hopkins) who--after his wife of 35 years dies of a heart attack--has an affair with a custodial assistant (Nicole Kidman) who is half of his 68 years.  The drama has a bit of a twist that we learn about early on--the professor, who looks as white as the snow falling outside, is actually a Negro!  That's right--a NEGRO!!!  Now, I have met light-skinned black people that are the product of two black parents, but never white-lookin' kids that are the product of two black people, so call me weird, but this is one of the more far-fetched ideas of recent times.  Even so, "The Human Stain" makes this interesting by watching the professor suffer a number of race-related failures--both in flashback and in the present--over the course of his life.  The acting is strong from the leads, as well as crazy-guy support from Ed Harris, but the story and the strange professor/janitor relationship left me on the fence with this one.

Rating:  Matinee

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)