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2006 Spring Video Roundups, Vol. IV

5/7/06

"Tequila Sunrise"

Ingredients: solid.  Robert Towne, writing and directing?  The threesome of Michelle Pfeiffer, Mel Gibson and Kurt Russell?  Drugs, guns, corruption?  This one is a movie I skipped for a lot of years, thinking I should always get around to it...and when I did, it hit me like a ton of bricks--this is no good!  From the hokey 80s soundtrack school of "saxophone, saxophone and more saxophone" to an ending so bad I threw a pillow at my TV, "Tequila Sunrise" is bad at almost all turns, most notably the idea that anyone would be confused as to who the "mysterious" Mexican drug dealer Carlos might be (hint: the only Spanish actor in the whole damned movie, Raul Julia).  Shockingly bad, except for Pfeiffer, who reminded me again why she was such a presence for that run in the late 80s/early 90s--the height had to be "The Fabulous Baker Boys"--and why she really did do anything she wanted for about ten years, maybe a little more.  Otherwise, blah.

Rating:  Rental

"Die Mommie Die!"

I'm still not even sure why I taped this from The Sundance Channel a couple of months ago, but damn, am I glad that I did that!  This campy send-up of 1950s flicks is somewhere between really funny and howl-at-the-moon hilarious, because writer/star Charles Busch is just a badass as Angela Arden, former recording star living out her days in Southern California with a husband that hates her guts (Philip Baker Hall), a manwhore that gives out dick to men and women alike (Jason Priestly, hamming it up), and other characters that spout dialogue like "Are you...a cocksucker?" all while appearing to take the dramatic angle.  Seriously, you need to see this; a funny hoot that should have been made by John Waters when he still had talent...so damned funny.

Rating:  Opening Weekend

"Sniper 2"

Amazingly, Tom Berenger--star of the original "Sniper" film, with Billy Zane--came back for this straight-to-video sequel, featuring the world's greatest sniper, Thomas Beckett (Berenger), who is sent on a suicide mission in Russia to take down a dirty military leader with the help of a spotter (Bokeem Woodbine) that is sent as a chance to get off of death row with a military pardon.  Or something.  The action isn't bad in "Sniper 2", or maybe it was that the story was so awful and the action so predictable that I was lazy enough to watch this all the way through.  Either way, now that he's done multiple films for "The Substitute" and "Sniper", I figured there was NO WAY he would do...

"Sniper 3"

Yes, Berenger actually DID sign on to do a third "Sniper" movie, featuring even less star power the third time around, a dumber plot (the U.S. government needs Beckett to kill a guy in Asia that saved his life in Vietnam 30 years ago--yeah), less action and a fucking ridiculous ending.  The amazing  part to me is that Berenger--who really did have a nice career going until about 2000--would subject himself to such lowbrow entertainment at this stage in his career.  Is he really this hard-up for the cash?  Damn, maybe he is, but if he is, this is just fucking sad!

Rating for both "Sniper 2" and "Sniper 3":  Hard Vice

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)