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2006 Spring Video Roundups, Vol. III

4/14/06

"A Streetcar Named Desire"

Man, this Brando guy was a MONSTER back in the day, eh?  The 1951 classic starring Brando and Vivian Leigh as a psycho named Blanche was great stuff, but confusing near the end thanks to that bastard known as censorship; it was so hard for me to tell what happened when Stanley came home from the hospital to Blanche while Stella was giving birth to their first child that I had to read the production notes to learn about what REALLY was implied by the editing of that sequence.  That made the movie go from great to outstanding for me.  Nominated for a ridiculous 12 Oscars, pretty much everyone in the movie except Brando won a prize.  No matter--it's the anger that Brando brings to the mix coupled with the over-the-top work of Leigh that make this one such a firecracker.  Good times.

Rating:  Opening Weekend

"Stand By Me"

When you see this now, and realize how many legit stars are in this film, you realize how lucky some casting directors get when they score a collection of actors that all happen to get it and all can find a way to launch individual careers.  And then, you get a director in Rob Reiner that had essentially a top-five run in the 1980s--"The Princess Bride" (many friends think this is the best film ever), "A Few Good Men", "This is Spinal Tap", "When Harry Met Sally."  And then you get a short story by the most-bought horror writer ever...that isn't even a horror story.  How "Stand By Me" isn't often talked about as one of the best dramas that decade is surprising to me, but seeing it now, this is some great stuff.  And I wasn't even a 12-year-old white kid growing up in 1950s Oregon.

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"Primer"

So, four guys build a machine that they think will hold objects in stasis for X amount of time...but, due to a glitch or maybe their own genius, it helps them travel back in time roughly 12 hours.  Uhh, what?  It's sci-fi at its weirdest by placing a modern-day time machine in the hands of folks that don't understand its power, leading me to wonder "WTF?" and the filmmakers to ponder their own genius for a whopping 75 minutes.  This film should have been better, but as it was, it is just slick-looking for a low budget but ultimately unfulfilling as an adventure because the questions posed by the two lead scientists (Shane Carruth and David Sullivan) don't go much further than "How much money can we make off the stock market by doing this?" and "What happens if I run into my time-traveling double while in the present?", which has been addressed ad infinitum in other movies, from good (the original "The Time Machine") to bad (uhh..."Timecop").  Good potential, decent execution, no lasting value.

Rating:  Matinee

"Romy and Michele's High School Reunion"

Awful in ways that I can't explain, this 1997 comedy was on one day, and I started watching it, and like a bad train wreck, I was the whole damned thing.  Wow, this was dogshit--Lisa Kudrow was as unfunny as I can remember, still-shocking-as-an-Oscar-winner Mira Sorvino's attempt at going ditz just didn't work, and the supporting one-note characters from the high school past of the lead twosome (28-year-olds living in L.A. with shitty jobs and no future) all suck.  Even Janeane Garofalo sucks in this movie.  Wow, fucking fuckity-McFuck Fuck dogshit.

Rating:  Hard Vice

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)