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2006 Spring Video Roundups, Vol. I

3/2/06

"Lord of War"

I tried to see this one when it was in theaters, but I didn't act fast enough, and wham, it was out of theaters.  This Nic Cage drama about the world's best arms dealer is hit-and-miss, not hit-or-miss, and here's what I mean:  rather than being awesome at times and then being complete dogshit in other sequences, it's almost consistently okay.  As we follow Yuri (Cage) from his upbringing in Brooklyn through becoming the best in the business by the mid-1990s, it's consistently interesting to imagine what it might be like to be an arms dealer in various climates, but the film isn't great at giving us much beyond stirring up your imagination.  I thought that watching arms deals could be cool, but in the execution of this film, it's only a stepping stone to the action but a stone that doesn't have the access you desire.  Jared Leto, Ethan Hawke, and Bridget Moynahan give decent support; the romantic angle with Yuri and a hottie from his high school (Moynahan) is so-so; Yuri's time in Liberia is a necessary evil, but it never feels as awful as it might in real life.  "Lord of War" is kind of a tease, getting us close but never closing the deal.  I'll admit, the film's best scene--when Yuri has to emergency-land his cargo jet and give away about a thousand AK-47s--was a pretty funny way to dust off the evidence, a creepily ludicrous-yet-plausible moment in an otherwise underwhelming film.

Rating:  Matinee

"The Last Starfighter"

I loved this movie as a kid, and I was planning to write up this movie as my next "Movies We Love" segment...but, about 20 minutes into the movie, I began to realize that "The Last Starfighter" isn't that good at all!  I mean, there are some cool moments, some great ideas--I fell in love with the idea that a good video game player could become a beloved town folk hero and that video games really meant something, you know?--and some decent starfighting action...but, this 100-minute sci-fi film features almost no good action, beyond-corny dialogue, nonsensical bad guys and a meteor gun that fires two of the smallest meteors I've ever seen into the good guy base, blowing it up!  Awful!  Lance Guest does his best as Alex Rogan, one of the best trailer trash video game players ever, and Dan O'Herlihy works hard as Grig, Alex's co-pilot once he enters The Matrix (or, whatever strange world it is in this film).  I really remember this film having more "Star Wars"-style dogfights and cooler aliens-attack numbers, but the facts don't lie:  I was wrong.  I do know this--"The Last Starfighter" still features one of the greatest moments ever...

Bad guy second-in-command, facing certain death:  "What do we do???"
Lead bad guy:  "We...die!"  (and then, they both die!)

Rating:  Rental

"Naked Weapon"

Let's put it this way--I once again considered replacing the real-life Shannon Tweed thriller "Hard Vice" as my worst-rating category, because "Naked Weapon" is just as fucking dogshitty.  Get this--this 2002 Hong Kong production (strangely, entirely in English) is about a strange prison where women are recruited to become top assassins, only to find themselves in a fight to the death with the other inmates to win the chance to kill people on contract for a five-year term.  Three women make the cut, only to find themselves gang-banged by the assassin's handler goons (to establish that their body is "no longer their own"...whatever) and then sent out to varied missions all over the world where they kill their prey with whatever means necessary...including their OWN BODIES!!!  Wow, you need to see this to know what I'm talking about, but trust me, this was unbelievably awful.  This has been running on Encore's Action channel for most of March, and certainly will appear again through April.

Rating:  Hard Vice

"Trois Couleurs: Bleu"

The first film in the Krzysztof Kieslowski trilogy was fantastic, featuring Juliette Binoche as Julie, the wife of a famous French composer and mother to a beautiful 4-year-old girl that soldiers through life with these two people after a car accident leaves her alone in the world.  Of course, Binoche is amazing, but I liked the way the film was done--artsy, sure, but the film is small & quiet to fit the situation that Julie finds herself in after the accident.  Classical music passes the time nicely in this film; Julie's discovery of her husband's secret life makes the rest of the flick magic.  Great stuff, but not my favorite of the series.

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"Trois Couleurs: Blanc"

This, the second film in the series, was my favorite, probably because it was the most unexpected.  A dark comedy/drama featuring a Polish guy named Karol Karol?  It's almost madcap in its plotting, but thanks to a vengeful tale based on this Karol guy (Zbigniew Zamachowski) and his ex-wife (Julie Delpy), the movie kept me on edge while also providing some solid laughs and a hyper-fast rags-to-riches situation.  And, I had almost forgotten that Delpy was still alive; her kooky smile works for some reason and I still can't place my finger on it!  Great stuff.

Rating:  Opening Weekend

"Trois Couleurs:  Rouge"

The finale just didn't work for me as well as the first two films did; Irène Jacob, who just don't hold the screen like Binoche or Delpy did in the first two installments, also fails to deliver the bacon.  (Or, maybe it's the "jamon.")  Jacob stars as Valentine, a French model that meets a former judge-turned-dirty-neighborhood-spy (Jean-Louis Trintignant), and the two become slowly-warming friends after the model picks up the judge's dog following an accident.  From the word go, something just felt off about "Rouge" and the feeling is in the air all the way to the finish, when we find out what happens with all of the major characters from the three films.  Even this last sequence felt anticlimactic; the first two films are the money shots in this series.

Rating:  Matinee

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)