Video Reviews

bellview--i love movies

Home | Movie Reviews | Video Roundups | Essays | Game Reviews | Subscribe | Mailbag | About | Search

2006 Fall Video Roundups, Vol. III

10/28/06

"Appleseed"

Japanimation!!  Hey, if all anime was this good, I would just stop watching live action films and stick only to cartoons.  "Appleseed" is another of those sci-fi/action/bioengineering flicks where humans and clones are asked to co-exist peacefully; naturally, they don't, as the humans and clones have started a new society where their shared ideas contribute to the greater good.  A rogue soldier, Deunan Knute, is recruited by the police force of this new utopia, only to find that things are not quite right, since the army (led by humans) are attempting to take clones out of the current government and out of the world altogether.  The action is good, the 3D rendering is awesome and the story makes the film pretty entertaining.  Solid all-around fare.

Rating:  Opening Weekend

"Alone in the Dark"

I think that the video game version of "Alone in the Dark" is probably a lot better than this flaming piece of horseshit, which somehow garnered the acting talent of Christian Slater, Stephen Dorff and Tara Reid AND the directorial genius of Uwe Boll, the German mastermind behind "House of the Dead."  Wow, the action in "Alone in the Dark" (the movie) is awful, the script is dogshit, the bit players are dogshit, and the ending of this fucking manure is straight outta the bowl.  I can't have my 90 minutes back so I'll use as many fucking profanities as possible to describe how painful this experience was.

Rating:  Hard Vice

"Battlestar Galactica", Season One (13 45-minute episodes)

After checking out the "Battlestar Galactica" pilot last month, I figured I would at least watch one full season's worth of episodes to see what I REALLY think.  Bottom line--not bad, for anything showing on the Sci-Fi Channel, pretty good, but it didn't sink its claws into me to the point where I was like hot to trot for each successive episode.  The characters are interesting, I like where it's going with the evil Cylons, but I'm already tired of two of the lead characters, Dr. Baltar (James Callis) and the Cylon hottie that pops up everywhere, Number Six (Tricia Helfer), because their ongoing back-and-forth arguments that only happen in Baltar's head are just a bit annoying.  The mix of action, drama and the occasional laugh is good; I liked how the writers finally looped in why we are following around Galactica pilot Halo (Tahmoh Penikett) on Caprika; as always, who doesn't love Edward James Olmos?  But, ultimately, I thought that Season One was well done, but nothing I need to rush out and see more of, ala "The Wire" or "24", dramas that I know and love.

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"My Super Ex-Girlfriend"

Stuck on a plane with only nine hours to go until reaching home, I succumbed to misery because of the eight films available, I had already seen five, so my choices were "The Lake House", "American Gun" or "My Super Ex-Girlfriend."  To amuse myself rather than sit through sap, I went with the latter, and occasionally, I would say that this choice was not so bad.  Mostly, though, it was dogshit, thanks to one of our nation's great comedic producer/directors (Ivan Reitman, of "Ghostbusters", "Stripes" and "Dave" fame) taking a shitastic script and trying to give us more Luke Wilson in a film that probably never should have been made.  Even the special effects mostly suck.  Uma Thurman, as a nearly-psychotic superhero, isn't bad, but by the time her character is tossing a shark at the man who dumped her because she is unstable, you're probably looking for something else to do.  Why do some movies suck so badly?  I guess you have to have some shitty flicks to balance the good ones out, eh?

Rating:  Rental

"Death Race 2000"

The movie that gives a bad name to "hit and run", "Death Race 2000" is THAT movie from the 70s where drivers compete in a cross-country road race to see who can get from New York to "New" Los Angeles first, all the while racking up points by running over innocent pedestrians.  A decent comedy on the American obsession with sport, there are some good laughs during the film's short 80-minute running time thanks mostly to the competitors' insistence on running down old people, loudmouths and obnoxious patrons.  David Carradine and Sly Stallone lead a cast of nobodies but this is not a bad rent due to its high silly fun quotient.  Truly, they don't make 'em like this any more...could any movie be more un-PC?

Rating:  Matinee

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)