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2005 Spring Video Roundup, Vol. III

5/8/05

"National Lampoon's Van Wilder"

Yeah, it was dogshit, but with "Van Wilder" star Ryan Reynolds was revealed to the masses as a good-looking guy that has some promise as a comedic star...it's just too bad that this film rides the wave of toilet humor all the way to the grave.  Playing seventh-year senior Van Wilder, Reynolds is only asked to stand around and spout off dumb lines in-between T&A shots and to exchange barbs with co-stars Tara Reid (thankfully, clothed for the entire length of this film; I found myself looking at her while saying "Eat something, woman!" every time she appears) and Kal Penn (lately of "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" fame).  Save for a couple of funny moments, "Van Wilder" blows but at least I didn't blow real cash to see it in theaters.

Rating:  Rental

"Eurotrip"

Quality!  Produced by our man Ivan Reitman (so many comedies, from "National Lampoon's Animal House" to "Old School"), you know that something has got to be good about "Eurotrip", and boy, there are some good-ass laughs in this movie.  Scotty (Scott Mechlowicz) decides to go to Europe to meet his pen pal, Mieke (Jessica Boehrs)...and, in the process, brings along three friends from his high school for a road trip across the continent.  The mix of laughs--from silly cameos like the one Matt Damon sequence to the toilet humor to the sex antics to the more intellectual stuff--is what made "Eurotrip" so interesting to me, but man, I am still laughing about the scene where the kids run down to their last $1.83 while in Eastern Europe, and one of them says

"$1.83?  What the hell can we get out here for $1.83?"

and in the next scene, they are living La Vida Loca, and if you've ever been to Eastern Europe, you feel awful that we're making fun of it but nothing has ever been so true.  The nickel tip shot is maybe my favorite shot in the movie.

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"Along Came Polly"

This Ben Stiller/Jennifer Aniston comedy from last January wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be; in fact, there are some quality laughs in it, from the Alec Baldwin boss character to the Stiller character's food allergies (as someone that suffers from a nut allergy myself, that stuff will always make me chuckle) to watching Philip Seymour Hoffman berate the locals in his community theater group.  I never really got into the Aniston/Stiller relationship, but the laughs based on their failings was good enough fodder to make it through the affair.  And, even though it was the only thing that made me laugh in the movie's trailer, I still howled during the basketball sequence when the bear hair guy went up for the shot by rubbing his hairy chest all over Stiller's face.

Rating:  Matinee

"The Great Escape"

Hey, I love Steve McQueen as much as the next guy, and it's cool to see James Garner this early in his career...but, for some reason, I thought that "The Great Escape" was going to be a ton better, but instead the "cool" aspects of how the American and British soldiers holed up at a German P.O.W. camp during WWII break out through underground tunnels wasn't nearly as inspiring as I had hoped.  Don't get me wrong--there are some good laughs and I love any movie with one-shot kills (movie-style) and a "Hogan's Heroes"-style environment.  But, "The Great Escape" takes DAYS to get through and the actual escape/ensuing chance through various parts of Europe feels like it takes almost an hour, at which point you are thinking about what is on your plate at work the next day.  Ugh.  Not bad, though.

Rating:  Matinee

"Hidalgo"

This Viggo Mortensen adventure film about a freakin' horse actually isn't too bad, thanks to an infusion of action scattered within the true tale of an epic horse race in the Middle East more than a century ago.  Based on the real-life exploits of a cowboy named Frank (Mortensen) and his Oklahoma-bred Mustang Hidalgo, the movie rolls along from place to place with much grandeur, a spectacular set of camerawork and enough gun-slinging to bridge the gaps as you watch Frank and his horse suffer through the hardship of a 3,000-mile race.  A little hokey with its ending (naturally, the end of the race is a neck-and-neck affair, strange for what essentially is a freakin' horse marathon), but overall I was pleasantly surprised.

Rating:  Matinee

"Taxi"

Somehow, Luc Besson ("The Professional") had his name attached to this, mostly because of a series of films he produced in France and then hatched an idea on for a U.S.-based conversion.  The American product concerns a cab driver (Queen Latifah) that has NASCAR-like driving tendencies and a cop (Jimmy Fallon) who has lost his license and needs her help in chasing down a band of Argentine bank robbers, led by someone that looks mysteriously like Gisele Bundchen.  "Taxi" is dogshit throughout, from its bad action to its bad plot to a lack of laughs (okay, I DID laugh a couple of times, but I didn't want to) to its horseshit ending.  Even Jennifer Esposito, normally not asked to do anything more than be hot, is dogshit in this film.  Poor Luc, this one is bad!

Rating:  Hard Vice

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)