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2005 Fall Video Roundup, Vol. III

12/12/05

"Coffee and Cigarettes"

I felt like at some point, I saw a trailer for this Jim Jarmusch ("Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai") sketch flick and thought Damn, that's gonna be cool...but, after watching this on the Sundance Channel recently, I have to admit: no, this was not that great!  It doesn't help that even though the crazy eclectic cast (ranging from musicians like The White Stripes to actors like Steve Coogan and Bill Murray) is a hot collection of people, the actual skits themselves (11 in all, I think) are mostly not funny.  I did enjoy the bit with Cate Blanchett playing both herself and a made-up distant cousin who meet up and have almost nothing to say to each other; otherwise, it's a chuckle here, a chuckle there, and not much to say about the whole endeavor.  It seems that Jarmusch (who also directed another film I didn't like, "Dead Man" with Johnny Depp) has made this film three other times with different actors, so maybe it is time for some new material!!

Rating:  Rental

"Pay It Forward"

This Kevin Spacey flick about a kid (Haley Joel Osment, still looking down upon his adolescent peers) that comes up with a cool idea to change the world wasn't too bad to me; whimsical, a decent romance flick that is completely ridiculous but fun to watch given the actors involved; cameo-laden, with people like Jon Bon Jovi showing up "just 'cause"; it's got that familiar Kevin-Spacey-movie soundtrack (strangely, it felt like the same score from "American Beauty", "K-PAX" and maybe even "The Life of David Gale") too.  I was enjoying myself until the last 15 minutes or so...and then, I fell out of love with this movie so fast that I was desperately calling/texting friends to see if anyone was up late so that I could just spontaneously start yelling at someone.  Wow, the ending-ending of this movie made me sick to my stomach.  If you have seen this movie, share your pain with me as soon as possible; I need to commiserate with someone now!!!!!

Rating:  Matinee

"Hurlyburly"

Awful in ways you can't even imagine until you watch the film, "Hurlyburly" probably has one of the most talented casts ever to be in one shitty film together.  Based on what I am assuming was a successful stage production, the movie stars Sean Penn and Kevin Spacey as two Hollywood industry types that spend their off time living together in a bachelor pad in the Hills snorting coke, tapping underage ass (like Anna Paquin), dealing with their buddy Phil's marital problems and hangin' out with their loose cougar friend Bonnie (Meg Ryan) who has a habit of giving out legendary, grade-A blowjobs.  In between, they pretend to philosophize about important shit, but of course, it is not.  Wow, this shit was bad, and worse, it's two hours long, way too long for a one-trick pony.  The strange part is that all of the actors, especially Penn, seem to be pouring their hearts out into their roles, and it all seems to be useless.  Holy fucking shit, this bites dong!

Rating:  Hard Vice

"The Last Minute"

I only added this to my queue because it was a trailer on another film I had watched, and I regretted this move from the word go.  Directed by Stephen Norrington ("Blade"), "The Last Minute" follows a path very similar to "Elizabethtown"--up-and-coming guy at company (Max Beesley, who went on to play the romantic foil in "Glitter"; so sad) has world-class idea that dies in the market; after fading into the ether, he winds up with no girlfriend, no money, no job.  Enter salt-of-the-earth type (Emily Corrie) that makes him realize what really is important--living as a homeless guy with a drug addiction.  This last part diverts from "Elizabethtown" just a bit, but otherwise, same movie, but under Norrington's direction, slightly worse result.  This movie also features a wacky set of camerawork on speed (one imagines MTV dropping by the set one day and dialing up everything to make it "more interesting") and lots of kids getting shot in a strange end sequence.  I'll admit, a couple of these crazed sequences are set to cool music, and my eyes went buggy during the fisting sequence.  Norrington made "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" after this movie, so one assumes that he will never be allowed to make movies again.

Rating:  Rental

"24", Season Four (24 45-minute episodes)

Another long day, another long line of terrorists that need to be eliminated by Jack Bauer, L.A.'s only competent federal agent.  Season Four has many great moments but long-time fans will quietly hope that this will be the last run for Bauer and his insane CTU antics; he's gotten literally hundreds of their agents killed over the years and is enjoying one too many close calls as he somehow knocks off the terror cells of Habib Marwan (Arnold Vosloo, from "The Mummy" films) while trying to keep up a relationship with a DoD analyst (Kim Raver).  Let's face it--the idea of a full season happening over the course of one day is fucking brilliant, but only Season One truly made the format and the content come together.  Still my favorite season of any single show ever, you need to at least rent the first season to see how good network television can be; "24" also has cemented one other thing--watching full seasons of shows on DVD is the only way to fly.  I'm not even watching TV shows when they come on during their regular run any more because I would prefer to watch all of the episodes on better-formatted DVD content with no commercials and access to all of a season's episodes at my fingertips.  God Bless You, Netflix!

Rating:  Matinee

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)