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2004 Fall Video Roundup

9/6/04

"Biker Boyz"

After seeing "Torque" earlier this year, I had to circle back to make sure I was up on all of the speed freak flicks that had come out over the last couple of years.  Unfortunately, that meant seeing "Biker Boyz", a film that with Laurence Fishburne's name alone rose to the top in terms of respectability...but, clearly, this is another example of a great actor taking a check from the highest bidder, as Fishburne and Co. have their act on autopilot for the majority of this atrocious film.  There are points where "Biker Boyz" is bad to the point of being unwatchable; thanks to almost no good motorcycle races and action scenes, and a ton of great actors with nothing to do (Djimon Hounsou, Larenz Tate, Eriq La Salle...Kid Rock), this movie falls on its face early, often, and at the end, with an ending so bad I needed to rewind it to make sure I had just watched Laurence tail out of frame with a little smirk that said "You gotta pay me, bitch!"

Rating:  Hard Vice

"Step Into Liquid"

As bad as "Biker Boyz" was, "Step Into Liquid" was equally good; a celebration of the current surf world, the lush looks and interesting stories of this flick from last year would make most people come back for more.  After seeing "Riding Giants" earlier this year, I am feeling like a near expert on the surf world, except for that whole I've-never-surfed-before bit that some people think is important!  Whereas "Riding Giants" was more a history of surfing lesson, "Step Into Liquid" glazes over the past and instead gives us a potpourri of stories on the present day state of the waterworld, with some nods to the past but mostly to show the common viewer just what kind of joy those who ride boards everyday enjoy.  It's effective, thanks to the best-looking water coverage out there; magnificent helicopter shots of the riders and some cool underwater footage make "Step Into Liquid" a pretty sweet experience on a widescreen HDTV...which I am lucky to have here at my apartment.  It made watching this flick feel like heaven.  It's a little scattershot and a couple of the stories should have been left out, but for the most part you can't do wrong with this film.

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"Basic"

Here's how I can sum up this movie:  it's directed by John McTiernan.  He has made some unquestionably great flicks ("Die Hard", "The Hunt for Red October", "Predator", "The Thomas Crown Affair") and he has made some unquestionably dogshit flicks ("The Last Action Hero", "Rollerball", "The 13th Warrior").  "Basic" falls squarely in the middle, a film that has so many plot twists that you are begging for forgiveness by the third ending in this film.  Like all McTiernan films, "Basic" is never boring, with excellent pacing and--at least early on--an interesting premise featuring a Ranger unit training mission gone awry, with a DEA investigator (John Travolta) coming in to do an investigation on just what the hell went wrong.  Spinning back and forth between the present and a past 18 hours prior to the start of the movie, we're never really sure who's right, wrong, or lying their ass off until the very end, at which point you'll either love it or you'll throw popcorn at your WEGA screen.  At least we get a little more Sam Jackson, as the crazy training lead that gets the whole thing put into motion.

Rating:  Matinee

"House of 1000 Corpses"

Some will say this is a work of art, but I am not some.  I am pissed off that I spent the 90 precious minutes lost to me watching this fucking piece of fucking horseshit, so bad that I had to trick myself a third of the way through that I should watch the whole movie.  This is apparently supposed to be rocker/director Rob Zombie's "homage" to 1970s horror flicks, but it seems more an attempt to be an actual horror film...it's just too bad that he couldn't find anyone decent enough to act in "House of 1000 Corpses", because at every turn Zombie's performers let him down.  Oh, there's that and some scenes that don't make any sense or lend to any real sense of horror, or danger, or anything.  Why spend the first 50 minutes of your movie with characters that have nothing to say and only serve a purpose worthy of watching those characters die bloody deaths at the hands of the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"-style family at the heart of the film's narrative?  Why do all of the supporting cast members look like this is their first acting gig?  Even the music--the one thing Zombie should have knocked out of the park--fucking blows.  Wow, this was bad, and I'm still partially ashamed that I even went to see this movie.

Rating:  Hard Vice

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)