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2004 Fall Video Roundup

11/28/04

"24 Hour Party People"

I don't know anything about the Sex Pistols, Happy Mondays, Joy Division or any other alt-rock/punk/dance group out of Manchester in the late 1970s, but there are still things to like about this docudrama by Michael Winterbottom.  Like Steve Coogan's performance as TV personality/record producer/scumbag Tony Wilson; it's a star turn that Coogan has used to bridge his international success by getting roles in big films like..."Around the World in 80 Days"???  Anyway, Coogan's great here, with some funny lines to go with some silly dancing as Wilson discovers or works with some of the biggest acts in the Manchester music scene of the late 70s through the 80s.  I probably would have liked this more were it not for my complete disinterest in the music of this film (really, London punk is just not for me) or the handheld camera style chosen by Winterbottom; at times, even I felt like I was getting high on my own supply, you dig?  I will admit, though, that I'm always game for movies that have gratuitous scenes of life as a band member, with unlimited cash, coke, and hookers.  So funny.

Rating:  Matinee

"Hustle"

ESPN Films has not made a good film yet; "A Season on the Brink" (regarding Bobby Knight's coaching career at Indiana) and "The Junction Boys" were bad in most every way that films can be bad.  With this in mind, I had to see "Hustle", the Pete Rose flick about his stretch of bad luck following the end of his playing career when he started gambling on almost anything that moved, from ponies to hockey to, eventually, his own Cincinnati Reds...the one where he worked as the manager!  Tom Sizemore, the normally-reliable character actor from literally dozens of films, looks awful in "Hustle"--from the haircut to the acting, you almost can't believe how bad Sizemore is in this film.  Every actor in the film sucks, and in another shocker (the other ESPN flicks suffer the same fate) the sports scenes in "Hustle" ABSOLUTELY fucking blow.  The baseball looks as fake as baseball has ever looked, and worse, the producers use real archived footage of Rose to start and end the movie, making the in-movie sports scenes even worse.  Wow.

Rating:  Hard Vice

"3"

After watching "Hustle" on Friday night, I watched the new Dale Earnhardt biopic "3" on Saturday night, and even invited my man Gordon "The Professional" Stokes over to watch what assuredly would be another bad ESPN movie.  But, we both had to admit after it was over--"3" was actually decent, with a strong lead performance by Barry Pepper ("Saving Private Ryan", "61*") and good race footage, something the other ESPN flicks had failed to capitalize on in their other films.  Pepper is a dead ringer for Earnhardt, especially as he plays "The Intimidator" into his 40s; really, he's that good.  There's also great unintentional humor to be had at the expense of Southerners that say things like "dadgummit" or "sumbitch."  Lovely.  "3" is by no means great; it handles time like a bad waiter handles steak dishes and it borders on cheese as Earnhardt runs through women quicker than you say "paternity suit."  But, it is not the dog fodder the other ESPN movies have been...so, it's a step in the right direction.

Rating:  Matinee

"The Last Dragon"

Let me say this about "The Last Dragon", which earned a Hard Vice rating very early in its running time recently--it might be the best bad movie of all time.  Somehow I had not seen this film until my friend Kristin "Gag Gifts are My Calling Card" Hollingsworth brought it over on Saturday night on DVD, and man...this is some funny, funny shit.  Is it that the bad guy is named Sho'nuff?  Is it that director Michael Schultz--who has gone on to a fairly distinguished TV directing career--actually threw the full DeBarge video for "Rhythm of the Night" into this film?  Is it that Vanity--B-grade movie goddess, if there ever was one in the 1980s--is literally giving herself away to a guy whose real name is Taimuk?  Is it that Taimuk is playing a formally-trained martial artist known in town as Bruce Leroy?  Or is it that Sho'nuff is actually referred to by his gang as "The Shogun of Harlem"???  "The Last Dragon" is bad in ways that movies used to be bad--gloriously.  The acting is horrible, but everyone seems to be working so hard.  The clothes are horrible, but everyone is utterly convinced that shirts with piano keys drawn on them are so cool.  Asians call black guys "coolies" with frightening abandon, but nobody bats an eye at this.  Guys have special powers that are never fully explained but that everyone seems to fear, like "The Glow" in this film.  Oh, the list runs on and on.  This was some bad shit, though.  Bad in a good way.

Rating:  Hard Vice

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)