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2002 Winter Video Roundup

1/23/03

I’m here to erase the notion that I have “a life”

"Saving Natasha"

You won’t be able to find this one in video stores...unless that store is Art Duran’s house!  This straight-to-VCD action film stars Jon Duran as a special forces agent that is caught in a web of intrigue, lies and roundhouse kicks in a backyard tennis court ripped from today’s biggest headlines.  Wait a second...sorry, I was reading from the back of the box cover!  Co-stars Art Duran (“Gratuitous”), Amy Duran (“Gratuitous 2: Ridiculous”, an unfinished Justin Bell film), and Frances Duran all lend a hand, and a hilarious stroke of genius features voiceover for Jon’s character as if he doesn’t know any English!  Sure, it is shot on grainy video and at 13 minutes long, it doesn’t even allow for a bathroom break to miss any of the action.  But, the effort is solid and we here at Bellview know that the sequel, tentatively codenamed “Saving Natasha 2”, is going to blow you away!  If you want to get a copy, e-mail Art at arthur_duran@hotmail.com.

Rating:  Matinee

"High School High"

Generally, if I get a recommendation from someone to see a movie, I see it.  Someone I know loved this 1996 entry from the Zucker boys (“Airplane!”, “The Naked Gun”), so I checked it out.  I have to admit, there are some hilarious sight gags in “High School High”, and Jon Lovitz is in top form here as a teacher at a private school that decides to take on a new position at the shittiest high school in the world.  Every time I see Tia Carrere in a movie, I wonder what the hell went wrong with her career.  She is hot here, and she is fairly funny although her timing isn’t nearly what Lovitz’s is.  But, I thought she would have taken the ball from “Wayne’s World” and just run with it; instead, she ended up in “Kull the Conquerer” by 1997.  Ugh.  But here in “High School High”, everything is just fine.  The movie kind of dies off in the final fifteen minutes, and the other actors in the film are just not very interesting.  But, the sight gags, man...and, that hilarious scene from the trailer where all he can find on the radio is one rap song still brings laughs.

Rating:  Matinee

"Big Night"

Loved this.  Loved it!  Stanley Tucci co-wrote, co-directed, and co-stars in this story of two brothers in 1950s New Jersey that struggle to keep their posh Italian restaurant open for business.  The cast is great—Tony Shalhoub, Minnie Driver, and raging lunatic rival Ian Holm are all very good—but, it’s the food that keeps the film afloat in the final hour, as the brothers host a large dinner to attract new business on the eve of the restaurant’s foreclosure.  The various dishes that are brought out during these scenes had me running to the kitchen...until I realized that I am an above-average cook because I only cook a few dishes, none of which have the word “timpano” in them.  (Now, you need somebody to make you burgers with a Foreman, I’m yo’ man!)  Seriously, I don’t really know what goes into a timpano dish, but if one of you guys does, hey, I’m there.  There are lots of great movie moments in “Big Night” and I loved the ending because of its simplicity.  What a great parting shot.  “Big Night” is just a great production overall, and it’s the kind of small movie that you can watch with just about anybody.

Rating:  Opening Weekend

"Two Can Play That Game"

How hot is Vivica A. Fox?  Oh, she’s real hot.  And, she was perfect for the part of Shante in last year’s relationship comedy “Two Can Play That Game”, as a 20-something executive that always has men fawning over her in the office, at the club, and at pretty much any restaurant she chooses.  This movie is basically Shante’s ten-step process for keeping a boyfriend around and as such, Shante is constantly talking to the camera as she lays out her vicious plans.  Even though she is basically a bitch, Fox is pretty good at making us, the audience, like her intentions despite the harshness of the proceedings.  Plus, everything around her is pretty funny.  Anthony Anderson is really the best part of “Two Can Play That Game”; I didn’t love his scenes as a bumbling crook in “Barbershop”, but as the comic relief for buddy Morris Chestnut’s bachelor here, he is hilarious.  Chestnut, who hasn’t worked much since his best role in “Boyz N the Hood”, is also perfectly cast here and he has some pretty good moments.  Shante’s posse of girlfriends didn’t feel right for some reason, although all of them had their strengths and didn’t take away too much from the main narrative.  And, Fox’s constant asides get a little tiresome in spots; I never did love when directors try and pause the action around a character while said character talks to the camera, and it gets old here too.  However, there is plenty more good than bad in “Two Can Play That Game” and you should check this one out at the video store.

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"Joy Ride"

A couple folks I know caught up with this thriller from last year so I said, what the hey, I’ll hang out.  Steve Zahn and Paul Walker star in this thriller co-written by the creator of “Alias” and it has a nice throwback touch to its horror.  Zahn and Walker play brothers on a road trip to pick up a good friend (Leelee Sobieski) and run into a whole bunch of trouble because of their darned CB radio.  It’s kind of like that Spielberg movie “Duel” from 30 years ago—it’s just this threesome against a menacing truck for 90 minutes, and somehow they make this thing work.  Some great plot twists at the end make it all come together and a lot of creepy people on America’s roadways reminded me why not to stop at those really sketchy-looking rest stops after dark!

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"Hedwig and the Angry Inch"

Wow, this was some quality stuff.  Essentially the John Cameron Mitchell Show, “Hedwig” follows the trail of a glam-rocker-former-man-sex-change-gone-wrong lead singer Hedwig Robinson as he takes his band from obscurity to...semi-obscurity.  Along the way are some great musical numbers, some ridiculously wrong lyrics to those numbers, and lots of man-on-man “strong sexual content.”  In fact, I have to admit—as I was finishing the film recently over breakfast, I had a bit of a problem stomaching the idea of what lies beneath Hedwig’s close-cropped underwear.  I have a pretty open mind, except when it comes to sex-change operations gone bad!  I really don’t know how Mitchell was not nominated for this performance, because there was simply nothing on the market like this in 2001, but hey, Guy Pearce didn’t get nominated for “Memento” either, so there.

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"The Deep End"

I will say this—I don’t know what all the hoopla was about, because this drama has one of the worst endings for any good film in quite a while.  Here’s what I mean—“The Deep End” starts off quite well, as a mother (Tilda Swinton) tries to cover up a murder that may have been committed by her son (Jonathan Tucker).  After thinking that she may have her son in the clear, a stranger (Goran Visnjic) shows up to *really* make things difficult.  The film, set in Lake Tahoe and Reno, Nevada, is beautifully shot and Swinton makes for a tragic lead character.  Its plot and pacing set it up for a great finish, and then it just goes formulaic on ‘dat ass and I was none too happy about it, especially its ridiculous denouement.  I know some of you were surprised that this film wasn’t nominated for more than it was by the Academy, but after watching it, now I know why it got hosed down by the powers that be.

Rating:  Matinee

"The Others"

I just didn’t feel like seeing this when it came out in 2001, but with the magic of DirecTV’s Platinum package, I have so many channels that you KNOW it had to be on TV eventually.  But, it is pretty solid stuff.  Spooky houses, Nicole Kidman as a woman on the brink, scary-looking old people and a Surprise Ending.  Now, I will say that “The Others” almost puts you to sleep for about 20 minutes before its twisty conclusion, but the set-up is fantastic and I really wish I had the talent to draw scary people.  You know that picture of the old woman that the daughter draws one night?  Damn, that was scary.  The hair was all scary, and the eyes...the EYES!  Kidman was better in “The Others” than she was in “Moulin Rouge”, further driving me insane that other talented people weren’t nominated last year for Oscars.

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"Glitter"

Simply, I had to know.  Was this movie total dogshit?  Sadly, it was not.  Saved by a not-too-shabby ending and endless shots of Mariah Carey looking hot, this rags-to-riches tale of a girl named Billie (Carey) that rises to fame so fast that “meteoric” doesn’t even skim the surface was mostly bad.  All of the other actors in the film suck, the DJ/boyfriend character Dice (Max Beesley) is always wearing black tank tops for no reason, Da Brat completed her path to oblivion as Billie’s best friend, and this movie sets land speed records for Useless Slow-Motion Shots.  Even the music blows, which isn’t good since Carey is the biggest-selling (in terms of units) female artist of all time.  Oh well...I could see Carey showing up as arm candy in someone else’s movie, but hopefully, “Glitter” will do what “Flash Gordon” did for Sam J. Jones, which is...

Rating:  Rental

"Flash Gordon"

...ruin his career.  See, Jones has appeared in over 50 bad theatrical or straight-to-video productions since the 1980 release of “Flash Gordon”...including, YOU GUESSED IT, “Hard Vice.”  That immediately puts him into the Hall of Shame forever.  Since I loved “Flash Gordon” when I was a kid, I simply had to watch it again...and, I really shouldn’t have done that, because as an adult, you sometimes realize just how shitty some of these films are and “Flash Gordon” is no exception.  Jones and co-star Melody Anderson (I just checked—she starred in “Manimal”!!!!!) stumble through poor chemistry and even poorer acting talents as their characters take on Ming (Max Von Sydow) in an attempt to see just how bad shit can get in outer space.  The action is mostly bad, with badly-timed punches, kicks and laser-shot deaths, and the dialogue...oh my, I wish I hadn’t watched it again.  One thing cannot be denied, though—the original music by Queen is awesome, and every time that Flash Gordon appears on screen, that title track comes on for just a second...just long enough to hear “FLASH!  AHH-AHH!!” with that heavy guitar kick.  Shit, that’s funny.

Rating:  Rental

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)