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2002 Summer Video Roundup, Vol. IV

8/29/02

So, I was getting dressed and I was like, “What do I owe you?”  And she was like, “Nine more video reviews.”

"GI Joe:  The Movie"

Since I am enjoying the “GI Joe” renaissance on the Cartoon Network, I borrowed my friend Max’s special edition “GI Joe: The Movie” DVD.  Once again, friends, DVD is just a necessity if you really enjoy films.  A great example is this relatively-packed disc, with 25 of the original 30-second commercials that used to air after each episode, things on fire safety, downed power lines and “not talking to strangers.”  Also, there are two of the 1970s toy commercials, including a great one that touts a GI Joe doll with life-like hair!  The movie itself is pure Joe, with almost all of the regular characters making an appearance as the good guys go after the 40,000-year-old leader of Cobrala (voiced by Burgess Meredith) who plans to take over the world by releasing spores in the atmosphere that will debilitate the human race.  Lt. Falcon (Don Johnson), Sgt. Slaughter (Sgt. Slaughter), and the rest of the Joes—Flint, Hawk, Duke, Lady J, Scarlet, Roadblock, Snow Job, Snake Eyes, Jinx, Barbecue and so many more—go after them.  The film is pretty good, but if you are a true fan, you’ve got to own this DVD just for the hilarious opening song for the film (different than the TV shows) where this guy is singing "Cobra...COBRA!!!  Cobra...COBRA!!!"

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"Marathon Man"

I don’t think I have seen any of Laurence Olivier’s films, so I got started here, and it was a good one.  Dustin Hoffman stars as the title character, a New York history student that gets involved with some shady people when his brother (Roy Scheider), a government operative, gets wrangled up in some affairs with a former Nazi (Olivier) that turn bloody.  The beautiful shots of downtown Paris and New York make for great scenery as Hoffman spends much of the movie on the run from the German zealots, and the weaving storyline keeps you guessing until a twist in the middle of the film.  All of the performances are great, and the film’s pacing makes its 120-minute running time fly by.

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"Everybody’s All-American"

This Dennis Quaid/Jessica Lange football film is pretty bad.  As a sports film, there are not enough good football scenes.  As a drama, this classic rise-and-fall tale of a fictional star running back at LSU (Quaid) that goes on to a pro football career with the Redskins does nothing out of the ordinary.  And, Lange’s performance is so over-the-top as southern Belle Babs Rogers that it brings laughter every time she goes into emotional tailspin mode.  Carl Lumbly, as Quaid’s black rival Blue in the film (and now starring as Jennifer Garner’s partner on “Alias”), seems inserted just to make the film socially relevant...but, we don’t see enough of Blue nor do we learn enough about him to make a difference.  This is the worst use of a token in a sports film maybe of all time.  When they showed this flick on ESPN Classic recently, the guys hosting the presentation actually reported that Siskel and Ebert gave this film two thumbs down...why would they want us to know that?

Rating:  Rental

"Tie Me Up!  Tie Me Down!"

Pedro Almodovar’s strange film about a porn star and a 23-year-old psycho who fall in love is a fun ride, even if it is ridiculously improbable...except for the soundtrack, which might be the worst soundtrack of all time!  Antonio Banderas plays the psycho, and back when he was only doing Spanish-language films one can see why everyone thought he was such a great actor—his wide range of emotions, his good looks, and his undeniable charm give him all the makings of a big star.  Almodovar helps out with an interesting narrative on love and the reaches to which a man on the edge will go.  As the porn star and recovering junkie, Victoria Abril is amazing as well, and that scene in the tub was pretty cool shit.

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"Rashomon"

Kurosawa!  This one hit the Sundance Channel recently, so I checked it out.  A mystery involved three people at the wrong place at the wrong time, the story is told in flashback as we learn about what really happened on a day where a man was killed and his wife was raped in a town called Rashomon.  Kurosawa does so much with silence in this film it is astounding, and the performances by all of his characters are incredible.  Toshiro Mifune (who, I think, is in every Kurosawa film) plays the bandit and just his crazed laugh is legendary here.  But, the best scenes in the movie for me come when the third person comes to trial—a psychic that channels the dead man’s voice in court.  Good stuff, and at 90 minutes, it delivers the goods quick-like.

Rating:  Opening Weekend

"The Jazz Singer"

I needed to see this, plain and simple.  The thing for me with this film is that it’s an *important* film, but I didn’t think it was very good.  As the first talkie film it has its place in our film history, but the drama between New York-bred Jewish runaway Jakie (Al Jolson) and his parents is so drawn out that it got to be boring after a little while.  When Jakie’s dad tells off his adult son with the line “I never want to see you again, you...jazz singer!”, I fell out of my chair laughing.  What isn’t so funny, though, is the film’s famous blackface sequence near the end.  It is shocking, even today, as a black person watching a white guy put on blackface.  Worse, though, is that everyone who is performing with Jakie in his Broadway debut acts as if nothing is wrong with that...which, in 1927, was true.  Wow...when Jakie questions his faith in his Jewish race while in his dressing room with blackface on, the ironies get REAL deep.

Rating:  Matinee

"Bulworth"

Warren Beatty wrote, produced and directed this 1998 political satire about a California senator (Beatty) that puts a contract out on his life upon realizing that his life is going down the tubes.  Just days before the 1996 California primary, the senator campaigns in his home state and while speaking at a church in South Central LA, he realizes how much fun it can be to turn the tables on what America’s views of politics—particularly in regards to race—really are.  Beatty looks like he is having the time of his life in the film, which features the former Oscar winner rapping, dancing, spouting off jokes about blacks, whites, Jews and Asians.  By the time he is asking co-star Halle Berry (as the love interest) what “the nappy dugout” is, I was laughing my ass off.  However, the second half of the film fades badly from a strong start, and Beatty’s rhyme technique starts to really wear on you as he tries to make rhymes with political stances funny.  Hey, if you can catch the first hour of the film on TV at some point, you should check it out, but as a full movie, this is not one of Beatty’s best efforts.

Rating:  Matinee

"Escape from Alcatraz"

Continuing on with more films centered on things here in San Francisco, the 1979 Clint Eastwood classic “Escape from Alcatraz” was a must-see.  It doesn’t disappoint.  I had already seen some things about the true-life tale of Frank Morris (Eastwood) and his attempt to escape from the prison island in 1960, because I went to see the island when I was 15.  But, watching how Morris and his cohorts plan their escape was cool, and Eastwood is classic Eastwood in his line delivery and his action-over-words style was making him a legend by this point—three Dirty Harry films and many westerns were already in the bag by this point and he was a huge star.  As a prison movie, “Escape from Alcatraz” has better pacing than most of them and the performances by everyone, including supporting players Fred Ward, Patrick McGoohan, and Paul Benjamin (as the black librarian English), are excellent.

Rating:  Opening Weekend

"He-Man and the Masters of the Universe"

The Cartoon Network recently aired this original motion picture as a prequel to the cartoon series that aired in the 80s; here, He-Man is just a 16-year-old kid named Prince Adam that learns of his destiny to become a hero to protect Eternia.  Hey, I loved this stuff when I was a kid, so seeing Man-at-Arms, Man-E-Faces, Skeletor, Castle Greyskull and all the fixins was cool to me; however, the movie itself is not so great.  The voice acting is fine, and the plot of the 90-minute film was fine, too...but, the number of times heroes in this movie jump into the air and stay up there for five seconds was just ridiculous.  I think about 30 minutes of the film is spent with a character jumping into the air about to swing their sword, while a villain jumps with equal precision into the air with a weapon drawn.  Stupidity!  It was funny in “Big Trouble in Little China”, because it was like two scenes.  But, for so much time to be dedicated to this one-track way of delivering the action is ridiculous.

Rating:  Matinee

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)