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1999 Winter Video Roundups, Vol. IV

2/6/00 

Folks--

Mo' movies, mo' problems...

"Wild Things"

Matt Dillon, Neve Campbell, and Denise Richards in a three-way.  Bill Murray as a trial lawyer.  Robert Wagner, in one of the funniest scenes of 1998:  "now get the fuck out of here!"  Kevin Bacon's...bacon.  And more T&A than four episodes of "VIP."  No, this did not win the award for Best Picture that year, but that's not important...this movie is good, dirty, trashy, filthy fun.  While not necessarily the best movie ever made, I struggle to remember any other film that revealed how it came to its twisty, turny ending by showing us additional scenes that filled the gaps during the ending credits.  If you have DVD, there are some deleted scenes that didn't make it into the final cut of the movie, and one of them, with Bill Murray conversing with client Dillon about their upcoming case, is absolutely hilarious.  Whether you like it or not, Siskel & Ebert gave this film two thumbs up, and they are real movie critics.

Rating:  $9.50 Show

"The Big Hit"

I went to see this movie because the John Woo name is attached as executive producer to this movie, as well as Wesley Snipes, two men that I have come to know and trust in their work over the years (well, throw out "Boiling Point" and "Sugar Hill").  Mark Wahlberg, Lou Diamond Phillips (ba la la la, la bamba!), Bokeem Woodbine and Antonio Sabato Jr. are four hitmen that get involved in a kidnapping plot that eventually turns Phillips against Wahlberg for all the marbles.  This movie is terribly light on action, but long on laughs:  Woodbine's new-to-masturbation character is hilarious, and I thought Phillips was great as the bad guy.  But Wahlberg does whiny one too many times in this film and the supporting cast, while strong on names (Christina Applegate, Lela Rochon, Elliot Gould, and Avery Brooks, plus newcomer hottie China Chow), is short on performance from its actors.  Did I mention that there is almost no action in this movie?  Woodbine almost makes it worth the while in his few scenes, and one of the deleted scenes on the DVD is so hilarious and profane that it is better left for your discovery on disc. 

Rating:  Matinee

"Simon Sez"

To Colleen:  I am sorry that we didn't see this in the theaters; we would have been howling!  As it was, Gordon "Money" Stokes and I enjoyed Wendy's, conversation and many laughs over this Dennis Rodman "film", where Rodman plays an ex-Interpol agent trying to catch...somebody.  See, I could tell you, but a) you don't care, because you'll never see this film, and b) I don't remember.  What was important about this movie is that it is as bad as any movie I've seen in the last five years.  (Of course, if you keep reading, you'll see that it only took one week to see a film worse.)  Rodman is as bad as advertised, the action is ridiculous, lots of people get roundhoused ten feet into the air, the supporting cast is embarrassing...everything about it is bad.  In one sequence, Gordon was actually calling out clichés three or four seconds before they happened, and then they did!  I don't think I've ever seen Gordon that hot; he was in a zone that most of us only dream about.  He got to seven in a row (when Rodman falls out of a 20th-story window, pulls out two Glocks and fires up at bad guys while taking them out) and the scene finally ended.  Amazing work, indeed.

Rating:  Hard Vice 

Here's what you need to know about the next two movies:  there were two employees at the Video Warehouse where I normally pick up videos.  I asked both of them to tell me the worst movie they had ever seen.  I rented and reviewed both.

"Renaissance Man"

Danny Devito plays an advertising executive that, in the first scene of the movie, gets laid off by his firm.  The local unemployment office in downtown Detroit places him in the Army, since they are looking for a teacher to help a group of company misfits learn what it takes to be reasonably civilized (apparently, reading magazines about America is the way to do that).  I will sum it up like this:  like other movies about urban America, this movie features the all-black four-man jobless/homeless/lifeless fire-in-the-trash-can street corner singing group, which apparently has so much time on its hands that they have done covers on every R&B song of the last 50 years.  I, for one, am sick of this movie cliché and part of me thinks that an "Airplane"-esque comedy could get a lot of laughs out of a four-man white guy group, or a four-man Vietmanese group, or a four-woman Latina group.  If I only watched movies, I would really be worried about blacks in Detroit.  This movie is so bad and so unfunny and so full of bad performances (Devito is awful, Stacey Dash from "Clueless" plays...the ruff and rugged urbanite with a secret!, Kadeem Hardison plays...his role from "A Different World!", Mark Wahlberg plays...po' white trash!) that I turned it off after an hour. 

Rating:  Hard Vice

"SFW"

What does "SFW" stand for?  So Fucking What.  That's right--THAT IS THE NAME OF THE MOVIE.  Brian "Schmoove" Prenoveau nailed it right on the head with the description of this movie--this movie wants to be the hip, cool anthem for its generation, like "American Graffiti" so long ago now, or your "Swingers", or maybe for some folks, your "Dazed and Confused" or your "Empire Records" or your "Trainspotting."  The only problem with it is that it sucks!  This movie moved into my worst five of all time pretty quickly.  And I enjoyed watching Brian call out the names of the artists on the movie's soundtrack one-by-one, only occasionally detouring from the city of Seattle, which apparently was the only city where alternative rock could be written and performed for a good five-year period.  Stephen Dorff (his most significant credit is as the main baddie in the vampire flick "Blade") plays the lead character in this one, and the plot is so ridiculous that I won't go over it here.  The language in this movie makes Scorsese look PG, with its rape of the F-word ringing in my ear hours after the movie was over.  As I have mentioned before in Hard Vice reviews, avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs...EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!

Rating:  Hard Vice

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)