Video Reviews

bellview--i love movies

Home | Movie Reviews | Video Roundups | Essays | Game Reviews | Subscribe | Mailbag | About | Search

1999 Winter Video Roundups, Vol. III

1/20/00

Folks-- 

Video / cable reviews for January!

"True Vengeance"

This will be the movie that almost took the place of "Hard Vice" as worst-of-all-time.  This movie is a mess.  Daniel Bernhardt, an "action star" to some people but now not to me, stars as an ex-naval intelligence officer that happens to be proficient in all manners of martial arts, swordfighting, assault weapons tactics, walking straight into gunfire, knife fighting, double-fisted Glock gunplay, and every other ridiculous training tip he got at the training academy.  Oh, you want more?  How about every action cliché in every fucking movie ever made??  If you need a list:

• Two words:  black and white partners

• Two words:  slow motion dive-and-shooting

• Two words:  character empties about 60 shots from his 18-shot clip, and after every bad guy in the room is dead--he reloads

• More one-liners than "Total Recall," "T2," and "True Lies" combined

• Bernhardt gets shot in the arm, goes to best friend's house, sprinkles buckshot on wound, lights wound on fire, yells "son of a bitch!" as wound closes up

• Bernhardt's best friend, one scene after we in the audience meet him:  blown up by a bomb meant for Bernhardt

• Motorcycle chase (features two stunt doubles for majority of the chase) takes characters from pier to separate marina to suburbs to downtown, all on one tank of gas in both early afternoon and nighttime

Oh, and did I mention that Bernhardt can't act?  I figured that I wouldn't have to.

Rating:  Hard Vice 

"Run Lola Run" 

I admit now, I blew it by not seeing this in the theater, but my message to you:  see this movie now!  Great plot, pacing is unbelievable, I loved both the Lola and Manny characters, the music is phatty (that hard, industrial German techno), and I like the "mulligan" approach to the plot (golf term).  I need to see more German films...I don't want to give too much away, but the basic plot is that Manny owes a local crime lord a half-million 20 minutes from the time the movie starts, and he needs Lola, his long-time girlfriend, to come up with the money or he will rob the local supermarket to scrounge up the money.  Good stuff indeed.

Rating:  Opening Weekend 

"Supercop 2" 

The sequel to the Jackie Chan / Michelle Yeoh thriller (I believe called "Police Story 2" in Asia, with this movie called "Police Story 3"; all very confusing), this movie is mostly forgettable, as it involves zero good stunts like "Supercop"'s awesome ending sequences.  But, Yeoh (the good Bond girl in "Tomorrow Never Dies") is impressive and looks like the hottie she was in the Bond movie.  The plot isn't even worth mentioning, but there is some good chop-socky and bad Cantonese dialogue.

Rating:  Rental 

"Trekkies" 

This is a documentary, hosted by Denise Crosby from the old "Star Trek:  The Next Generation" series, about the absolutely hardcore fans of the “Star Trek” phenomenon.  Profiling five different trekkies (as these fans are known) about their obsession with all things trek, it is very interesting to get a closer look at why so many of us have no idea what draws some people to “Star Trek” the way some music fans are drawn to traveling road shows like The Grateful Dead and Phish.  If you know anything about “Star Trek”, this is the next movie you should go rent because it features interviews with all of the stars from the original 60s series, "Next Generation" and "Star Trek: Voyager."  And, you think that you've got passion for something?  Wait until you see the vignette about the Spiner-Femmes, women who worship Brent Spiner (the actor who played Data on the "Next Generation" series), or the man who owns Starbase Dentistry, who requires that all of his employees wear actual Star Trek uniforms to work.  Wow.

Rating:  Opening Weekend

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)