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1999 Winter Video Roundups, Vol. I

12/14/99

Folks-- 

You know when your address list is too big?  When you get four error messages which start with the following:

"Error: message header is ridiculously overlong"

I didn't know that computers could even differentiate between normal and ridiculous, but it's pretty apparent that I don't know shit.  Regardless, for the next couple of reviews, I will try the blind copy approach, although sadly, that means that the world-famous nicknames will not be appearing.  We'll see how I feel about this in a week!

Well, in the spirit of giving (that, and the now-obvious fact that I don't have a life), this is the first of many winter video review e-mails that I will be sending out.  When I bought my DVD player back in September, I got a coupon from Netflix.com for 15 free video rentals.  Of course, I get to use all of those rentals as long as I do so within 30 business days.  Tough indeed!  But, never one to back down from a challenge (in French, that's *la challenge*), I'm going for it, so December is going to be a busy month.

"Bullet in the Head" 

Now that you have stopped laughing from the title, this is an actual movie made by my personal directing hero, John Woo ("The Killer", "Hard Boiled", "A Better Tomorrow", "Face/Off", next year's "Mission: Impossible 2") while he was still working in Hong Kong in 1986.  The plot is ridiculous, as it chronicles the lives of three lifelong friends as they grow up through a life of crime and punishment.  But, it does feature the Hong Kong action that I, Joe Action Movie Fan, love to love, and while it does feature lots of double-fisted, acrobatic set pieces, the lines are funny and the religious imagery that Woo squeezes into all of his movies is pretty impressive.  This is far from Woo's best work--and it does not feature the Greatest Action Hero of All Time, Chow Yun-Fat (currently selling out in "Anna and the King"), so catch this one if you simply want to say that you have seen all of Woo's films.  For action purists only, and you really have to search to find this movie--it isn't available at any national rental chain. 

Rating:  Matinee

"Affliction" 

Nick Nolte and James Coburn were both nominated for Academy Awards for their performances in this 1998 movie, with Coburn winning for Best Supporting Actor.  With that in mind, the acting in this movie is best I've seen in quite some time.  This is pure drama, so it really doesn't make for a good date rental, or a good family Christmas rental, since the drama is based mostly around how badly Nolte, a cop that has marriage/alcohol/personal problems, and Coburn, his abusive, also-alcoholic father get along.  This movie is as far from a pick-me-up as you can possibly get, but if you are looking for a classic battle of wills between two principal stars, this is the movie for you.  Just don't expect to be doing too much laughing throughout.

Rating: $9.50 Show

"Mean Streets" 

This is the first movie that Scorsese, De Niro, and Keitel did together, in 1973.  I didn't think that this was a very good movie, as its plot is so loose, it just seemed slapped together and involves too many characters to really get into any of them personally.  But, De Niro is so good in this movie--slapping "Fuck you, motherfucker!"-type lines together from start to finish as a gambling, no-good street punk that hangs out with Keitel's number-running nice guy--that he is almost worth the price of admission by himself.  Chatty New York dialogue fills this movie's cup to the brim, and classic Scorsese violence tops it off--random, bloody, senseless violence that seems to work in his movies but not in anyone else's.  The ending of this movie is a perfect example.  Francis Ford Coppola watched a rough print of De Niro's work in "Mean Streets" and cast him in "The Godfather, Part II", and De Niro was off and running. 

Rating:  Matinee

"Varsity Blues" 

Yep, I WOULD stoop so low as to watch Dawson--James Van Der Beek--play a high school football jock that is apparently such a genius that he would be able to attend Brown University (the Ivy League's Brown!) on full scholarship.  I've never seen his TV show, but Van Der Beek is pretty good here, playing the backup QB for his West Canaan, Texas football team and taking them to the district championships.  Charles "Chuck" Longer, Sonja "The Serb" Vincic and I watched this one tonight, and I must say that I was laughing my ass off the whole way through.  The movie is not particularly well made--using slow-motion for 1/3 of its shots; including the classic "token" black running back who is "kept down by the man" because he's not scoring enough touchdowns; obvious-to-a-child foreshadowing of future plot points (dramatic music before a scene where the starting QB is injured for the season); and, to top it all off, that-didn't-happen-in-my-high-school-and-I-was-the-starting-quarterback sexual situations and strippers.  But, I didn't care, because I wanted brain candy, and I got it!

Rating:  $9.50 Show

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)