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"Ultraviolet"

Directed by Kurt Wimmer.
Written by Kurt Wimmer.
Starring Milla Jovovich, Cameron Bright, Nick Chinlund and William Fichtner.
Release Year:  2006
Review Date:  3/7/06

Folks--

Okay, I'll admit it--I bit on a somewhat-cool, crazy-obvious ripoff trailer thinking that there was some semblance of a chance that "Ultraviolet" might be better than "Aeon Flux."

Uhh, wrong.

Awful in ways that even teenage boys shouldn't be subjected to watch, "Ultraviolet" is the early contender for worst piece of fucking shit in 2006.  Milla Jovovich--incredibly beautiful, reasonably talented, progressively worse film selections--stars as Violet, a "hemophage" (which, in this film, I believe means "vampire") that is part of a resistance movement against the human race, which has decided to wipe these vampire bastards off the face of the earth.  There's something involving a plague, a blood war, a doctor/professional killer (Nick Chinlund) and a little boy (Cameron Bright) that holds the key to world peace or permanent world enslavement.  I'll admit, I got lost at some point early on involving the plot, but the realization that this was poo-poo from the jump made me care even less.

"Ultraviolet", directed by the man that gave us the incredibly-overrated ripoff "Equilibrium", borrows from so many recent action films that it made an action film buff like myself sick to my stomach; worse, it never takes into account that action scenes are only cool when they create some element of drama unless they are so over the top that you get lost in their utter badassness.  So, because the low-budget special effects do nothing to impress, you're supposed to be wowed by the excessive gunplay or the incredible fight choreography or maybe even the flowing bloodletting...but, in all of these areas and more, "Ultraviolet" fucking blows.

The action scenes really suck in this movie.  Over the course of killing more than 800 (yes, EIGHT HUNDRED) enemy soldiers in this film, Violet does little more than blink at 799 of them on the way to their deaths (naturally, it takes her a little more time to dispose of the doctor/professional killer).  Mowing through bad guys without any trouble is just boring to watch, so oftentimes you will be yawning as Violet fires a dozen rounds from her automatic machine pistols and takes out 50 guys.  You're thinking,

She didn't even fire enough rounds to kill all of the bad guys with one shot each

but the film doesn't take the time to explain how she could have done it.  Or why all of the bad guys have such a hard time hitting Violet with any gunfire.  Or why they inexplicably spend time not shooting at her.  Or why 30 guys have her surrounded only to watch those 30 guys all kill each other without hitting Violet.

And so on.  The scenes in-between Violet killing a lot of people feature her trying to win the affection of the little boy that is at the center of all this action, and those scenes fall flat on their face throughout.  Fucking shit!  The film's special effects want to be some mix of "Sin City" and "The Matrix", but for some reason they fail miserably; forgetting the fact that at times, the storyline allows for completely ridiculous logic (like when Violet is riding UP a glass building and hugging the terrain despite being back-heavy on her motorcycle), "Ultraviolet" just doesn't look like a patiently put-together action film.  If it's a rush job and it's awful, why not just dump it into August, when it will die the same death it has already died in the box office?

The music fucking sucked.  The Bill Fichtner cameo sucked.  Chinlund, as our main bad guy, sucked.  Even Jovovich wasn't great, and in this PG-13 environment, she isn't even allowed to really kill anybody, you know, fucking bury anybody...it's all that soft, vanilla, bloodless violence where people get shot or stabbed with swords and amazingly have clean white clothes on as a result.  The last battle sucked, much like the last battle from "Equilibrium"; ugh, what a fucking dog.  "Ultraviolet" didn't even have the traditional good-review-from-no-name-critic comments on its ad in last Sunday's paper, like "Joe Smith of KNVR-TV in Milwaukee claims:  'Ultraviolet' is ultra-cool!!" or some bullshit like that.

Wow, this was bad.  Which, for some of you, will mean that you will run out and see it just to confirm how bad this one really is.

Rating:  Hard Vice

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)