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"The Time Machine"

Directed by Simon Wells and Gore Verbinski.
Written by David Duncan and John Logan.
Starring Guy Pearce.
Release Year:  2002 
Review Date:  3/11/02 

Folks-- 

My weekend was pretty boring; you are basically reading about all of it through these reviews.  This is the third of four movies that I had the pleasure (?) of seeing this weekend...and, "The Time Machine" is the first piece of flying dog shit in 2002.

What a shitty fucking film.  I drove over to the Sony Metreon to see my man, Guy Pearce, throw rocks at bastardized orangutans and sit in a ridiculous-looking contraption that was meant to look like a time machine.  I watched Jeremy Irons piss on everything he believes in by playing a bad guy so shallow, so meaningless and so contrived that I heard laughter--LAUGHTER--in the audience directed at the former Oscar winner.  I watched a character call the most dangerous place in a future 800,000 years from now "The Place with Ghosts."  THE PLACE WITH FUCKING GHOSTS!!!

To see Pearce go from "Memento" to this film is truly shocking.  Pearce has had zero success in mainstream roles; with "Ravenous" and "Rules of Engagement", he was bad but not the star.  Here, he's all we have got and he must know that he's got nothing to do!

This film is bad.  Not just "Cabin Boy" bad, but "The 13th Warrior" bad.  Worse is the fact that the special effects in this film look like they are worth $100 million alone, which would make sense given the sheer lack of other familiar faces in the film.  Or, maybe it's the fact that the film's director, Simon Wells (a relative of the novel's original author, HG Wells), only found 90 minutes' worth of useful material in this motherfucka!!!  Or, is it that Simon couldn't even finish directing the film himself?  Due to exhaustion on the film's set, Gore Verbinski (who directed the shitty Julia Roberts film "The Mexican") finished the film...what a sad responsibility that was!

This film was bumped from its original release date of Christmas at the last minute...NOW I know why.  Avoid this film at all costs...or no costs.

Rating:  Hard Vice

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)