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"Seven Pounds"

Directed by Gabriele Muccino.
Written by Grant Nieporte.
Starring Will Smith, Rosario Dawson, Barry Pepper and Woody Harrelson.
Release Year:  2008
Review Date:  12/20/08

Folks--

Friends, know this--my fiancée, Meg, a beacon of hope in this world, loves everything, even the worst of the worst, a little, and I have never heard her badmouth anything or anyone without a pretty significant amount of prodding.

However, as we were leaving the theater yesterday having viewed an afternoon matinee of "Seven Pounds", here's what she had to say:

"Yeah...THAT was a Hard Vice."

Meg Cooch, kind soul, couldn't even muster a Rental out of this complete piece of shit movie.  Here is all that is important to talk about when it comes to this movie:

• Nothing about "Seven Pounds" addresses Will Smith fans, odd, given that he only makes movies to make money.

• The movie is so poorly told from a story perspective that you almost won't believe that Smith worked with this same director to make the great "The Pursuit of Happyness."

• The film's title seems to address seven pounds kind of like "pound for a pound", like the old saying goes that you'd give a pound of flesh for every sin you have committed.  With that in mind, you will howl to discover (SPOILER, kinda) that the movie should have really been called "Six Pounds...and a Beach House."  No, I'm not kidding, and I almost can't believe no one is talking about this.

"Seven Pounds" is actually worse than "Hancock"; in fact, looking at Smith's only other universally-panned films, "Wild Wild West" and "The Legend of Bagger Vance", I think over time we will see that "Seven Pounds" is the worst of them all.  (Maybe.  "Bagger Vance" is truly fucking atrocious; at least "WWW" had a decent soundtrack.)  Ugh.  If this film makes big dough ($100 million or more), you would have to say that Smith might be the greatest Movie Star of our era...even with Tom Cruise or Harrison Ford, they were not able to make their bad films make big dough consistently.

Rating:  Hard Vice

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)