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"Rollerball"

Directed by John McTiernan ("Die Hard").
Written by Larry Ferguson and John Pogue.  Based on the 1975 film of the same name. 
Starring Chris Klein, LL Cool J, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and Jean Reno.
Release Year:  2002 
Review Date:  2/11/02 

Folks--

This film was supposed to be released last August, but the studio that released it decided it would be better if they released in February.  Why would this be better?  Because this film sucks, too.  Directed by the usually reliable John McTiernan ("Predator", "Die Hard", "The Thomas Crown Affair" remake), "Rollerball" is a futuristic action film set in a world where a brand new sport, the creatively-named Rollerball, is drawing the biggest TV audience in the world.  How, you ask?  With corrupt officials (including Jean Reno, taking a break from doing *good* films like "Ronin") and bankable, attractive stars (including Chris Klein, LL Cool J, and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos), this sport seems like a home run.  Until the sport's stars figure out the methods behind the madness...

"Rollerball" is incredibly boring, given the amount of overediting, loud music, and louder hitting in the sport's rollerskating arenas.  Most important, though, is that LL isn't given nearly enough to do.  Look, let's be honest:  the guy's name is motherfuckin' Ladies Love Cool James.  So, make sure you put him in enough scenes so that the ladies can find a way to love him!  Take his shirt off, put him in an in-movie rap video, have him hum "Phenomenon" while he is putting on his skates...anything!  Because that way, we get to see more hot women parading around him, and much like the women in San Francisco, "Rollerball" features women that are only so-so.  This is where a film like "The Fast and the Furious" is such great fun, because it doesn't hide the fact that it is shameless entertainment...and, as such, provides plenty of eye candy for dudes like me.  Jeez....

Rating:  Rental

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)