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"The Fog"

Directed by Rupert Wainwright.
Written by Cooper Layne.  Based on the 1980 film by John Carpenter.
Starring Tom Welling, Maggie Grace, DeRay Davis and Selma Blair.
Release Year:  2005
Review Date:  10/12/05

Folks--

My friend Ross sent me an e-mail Tuesday:

"Yo, I got a free pass to go see 'The Fog' on Wednesday night...you wanna join up?"

My response:

"Looks like dogshit...I'm in."

In what certainly must be called "padding the stats", I joined up to catch "The Fog"--based on the John Carpenter horror flick from 1980--because a movie about people trying to escape a dangerous, murderous...fog just HAD to be awful, and would help pad the bottom line of shit flicks before our Oscar-worthy releases start coming down the pipe.  And, thankfully, "The Fog" delivers the goods.

A piece of absolute fucking shit from the word go, the film stars Tom Welling (Superman from the "Smallville" TV show) as Nick, a guy that likes to tag the ladies with zero commitment, especially since his girlfriend (former girlfriend?) Elizabeth (Maggie Grace) left their hometown of Antonio Bay, Oregon six months ago.  Strangely, she just appears one day, back in the hood, literally just walking down a country road in the dark...right around the time that this crazy-big fog bank starts creeping into town.  Does the big fog have something to do with mysterious circumstances from 1871 revolving around lepers, strange hallmarks on the backs of various buried artifacts, and a whole bunch of zombies?

Wow, this shit was bad.  Sure, you would think that a film based around a fog--a FUCKING fog!--that has the ability to kill people and make the living suffer like lepers would be bad enough, but then we get even more bad shit.  Like watching the normally-interesting Selma Blair run around trying to save her son from zombies that have the ability to blend with the fog.  Worse, the son (who looks not unlike a little brother to the Ron Weasley character from the "Harry Potter" movies) actually tries to run from the fog at one point; I can't tell you how hard Ross and I were laughing at this scene, especially when 10 minutes earlier, I called out

"Dude, I can't WAIT for somebody to actually try and run from the fog!"

There's the kid, fucking RUNNING from the fog, as if he will actually be able to outrun the weather, another in a now-growing line of scenes where characters attempt to outrun nature, starting last year with "The Day After Tomorrow" and certain to become THE moment in every weather-related disaster film going forward.  Seriously, who dreams this bullshit up?

Maybe it was the same asshole that decided the fog will be able to blow out windows with its ferocious power in some scenes but not even register on a weather vane in other scenes.  Or maybe it was the same asshole that decided that a metal detector would be able to sound off whenever it crossed a strand of rope!  MAYBE, just maybe, it was the same muthafucka that said

"Here's an idea--let's have one of the characters hide in a meat locker for, say, 12 hours, and then...let's have him survive!!!!"

The ending is dogshit, the acting is dogshit, the fucking PG-13 shower sex scene is fucking dogshit, the idea that one guy starts losing chunks of skin on his face but doesn't think to visit a doctor is bullshit, the whole thing is absolute fucking shit.  As bad as this movie is, though, at least it made me laugh, and that gives it a slight leg up on "The Brothers Grimm", which was even worse than "The Fog."  Which is hard to believe, you know?

Rating:  Hard Vice

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)