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2004 Bellview Awards, Part II

1/6/05

Folks--

Let’s keep ridin’ it! 

---

Biggest Fucking Piece of Shit--"Van Helsing"

This year, there was no "Gerry" to choose from...a movie so bad it transcends everything about bad filmmaking.  Although "Crimson Gold" and "The Brown Bunny" were bad, they were small films that not many people saw or were ever going to see, limiting their dogshitness (yes, that's a word).  But, "Van Helsing" was a big, big movie that failed miserably from all angles, and I still think the worst part about it was that it was nearly 150 minutes long!  Dogshit shouldn't take that long to fester, should it????

 

Most Overrated Flick--"Open Water"

This one was easy--I was hearing about this one for months, and wow, what a letdown.  The overall film was actually not bad, but I seriously thought people had learned how to levitate, the hype machine was so full-tilt on this flick.  First off, make your film longer than 70 minutes you poor bastards, and two, make the dialogue have SOME semblance of reality.

 

Most Disappointing Flick--"Alien vs. Predator"

For some people, this might be "The Life Aquatic", but I'm not all that enamored with Wes Anderson to begin with.  Given a solid intro for a film, "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" was very disappointing, as it went from Opening Weekend to Rental over the course of about an hour.  But again, this is not a film that I thought was going to be the daddy of all daddies.

Did you know that the six previous "Alien" and "Predator" movies were all rated R for language and violence?  Imagine, then, my surprise to learn that one of the best comic/video game properties ever, "Alien vs. Predator", was getting the PG-13 softee treatment!  Given the license and the pedigree, this just doesn't measure up.  But, in the spirit of heavy volumes of ticket sales, the studios took away any chance of a great movie when they took two of the best action/horror franchises ever and made them into a teen enterprise.  Fucking studios.

 

Biggest Surprise Flick--"Mean Girls"

Plain and simple, if I hadn't gotten a free ticket from my friend Tricia to see "Mean Girls", I would never have gone to see it.  C'mon, a comedy starring a bunch of white teen stars, including Lindsay Lohan, who hang out with even more white rich girls??  Had ZERO interest in seeing it...and then, the movie started, and I'm telling you, man, I still haven't met anyone that hasn't liked this movie.  So freakin' funny.  "National Treasure" was a close second here; thought for sure that was going to straight blow, but it keeps you engaged the whole way.

 

The 20 Best Movie Moments of the Year:

A “movie moment” is essentially when you have a scene where everyone in the audience seems to have the same reaction—maybe it’s a big laugh, or an awe-inspiring stunt, or a moment where everyone in the audience, even “that guy that never cries”, cries.  Two of my favorite examples of movie moments:  the scene in “The Full Monty” where the guys are all in line and they all start feeling the beat of a song, and the ending of “Glory”, which makes every single man in America cry when they watch it.  Everyone who has ever seen “The Full Monty” felt SOMETHING during that scene, and it is just movie magic because you get this little smile that runs across your face as you watch it all take place.  Note that movie moments are not always positive.  Yes, I have been taking notes on this all year, so it’s not off the cuff...my memory isn’t THAT good.

20--"Touching the Void":  The scene where Joe has to climb down from the mountain with a dislocated knee

19--"Breakin' All the Rules":  When the old guy utters, "Hold my dick!"

18--"The Day After Tomorrow":  The sequence where the Mexican Border Patrol is trying to keep Americans out of Mexico

17--"The Machinist":  When Trevor (Christian Bale) takes off his shirt for the first time

16--"Troy":  The Hector/Achilles fight scene

15--"Sideways":  "I'm not drinking any fucking merlot!!!"

14--"Kinsey":  When Kenneth Braun (William Sadler) tries to self-service himself in under ten seconds

13--"50 First Dates":  When the old Asian guy (Joe Nakashima) inquires of Henry (Adam Sandler), "Excuse me?  Could I borrow that, so I could wipe my ass?"

12--"Man on Fire":  When Creasy (Denzel Washington) jokingly explains to Pita (Dakota Fanning) that he wasn't smiling

11--"The Brown Bunny":  Fellatio!

10--"Finding Neverland":  When Sylvia (Kate Winslet) watches the finished play near the end of the film

9--"Mean Girls":  "Oh my God...it's Danny DeVito!"

8--"Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story":  The intro sequence for "ESPN8: The Ocho"

7--"Maria Full of Grace":  The customs sequence

6--"Fahrenheit 9/11":  The voiceover sounds of the events on 9/11 over a pitch-black screen

5--"The Passion of the Christ":  The crucifixion

4--"Team America: World Police":  "I'm not going to fuck your mouth, Gary...now get in the car!"

3--"Anchorman":  The jazz flute sequence

2--"Napoleon Dynamite":  The end dance number, with Jamiroquai's "Canned Heat" in the background

1--"Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle":  Kumar's dream sequence with the bag of weed

 

 

Ahh, just one more leg to go!  Part III

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.