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"Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me"

Directed by Jay Roach.
Written by Michael McCullers and Mike Myers.
Starring Mike Myers and Heather Graham.
Release Year:  1999 
Review Date:  6/15/99

Folks-- 

Hey, let's be honest:  come hell or high water, a man's got a job to do.  Mine?  Review a movie every week of the summer.  This week, we're gonna go Q&A.

MORPHEUS (STREET NAME), WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE FIRST AUSTIN POWERS?

Let me be clear:  the first "Austin Powers" was one of the most overrated movies of all time!!  At best, the first movie was decidedly average, yet many of the people on this list swear that it was "funny" or "smart," when nothing could be further from the truth.  I'll grant you the fact that Elizabeth Hurley is hot, and I'll leave it at that.

IS MIKE MYERS EVEN FUNNY TO YOU?

I used to like him as a bit player on “Saturday Night Live”, and even “Wayne's World” was pretty good.  But every movie after that just hasn't been funny to me, and I think a lot of it might have to do with...Mike Myers.  "So I Married an Axe Murderer" is an awful movie--go watch it again, I dare you.

I NOTICED THAT A LOT OF FOLKS ON THE LIST HAVE NEW STREET NAMES.

Hey, when you got time on your hands, you use it, capiche?

WHAT'S "AUSTIN POWERS II" ABOUT?

I think it has something to do with Dr. Evil and his snatching of Austin's "mojo," the mystical sexual drive that Austin harbors within him.  Austin then travels back in time to get it back from Dr. Evil.  This, friends, is one of the worst ideas for a plot I've ever seen, even in a comedy about nothing.  Heather Graham also shows up as a "CIA agent," although the only spy-like thing that she does the entire movie is plant a homing device on one of the bad guys.  Otherwise, she is T&A-incarnate.  The movie is supposed to be a send-up of all the James Bond movies, but it doesn't come close because it just isn't very funny.

COME ON, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME GOOD THINGS ABOUT IT?

I laughed exactly three times:  the Jerry Springer sequence at the beginning of the movie; the Dr. Evil-Mini-Me rendition of "Just the Two of Us"; Fat Bastard.  Actually, I think Fat Bastard is the only thing that saved this movie from the worst rating available.  But, "Austin Powers II"'s biggest problem is the beating-the-dead-horse virus that plagues all bad comedy.  Since many of you have seen the movie already, I give nothing away by describing the car chase scene on the countryside.  After the bad guy's car crashes at the bottom of the cliff, he climbs to the top, where Graham and Myers are waiting for him.

Bad guy:  Now, I will kill you!
Myers:  Tell me who sent you!
Bad guy:  No, I won't do it!
Myers:  Tell me who sent you!
Bad guy:  You can torture me all you want, I won't tell you!
Myers:  Tell me who sent you!
Bad guy:  Oh, ok...I can only tell you the answer to your questions if you ask it three times...Dr. Evil sent me.

Then, to make my day even more FUCKING MISERABLE, Myers asks him two more questions THREE FUCKING TIMES.  Then, Mini-Me shows up in a baby carriage and kills the bad guy, so he can't be asked any more questions!  During this TEN-MINUTE FUCKING SEQUENCE, the theatre that I was in actually had tumbleweed rolling down the aisles.  It was that dead.  So, I know I'm not alone in thinking this piece of crap should never have been made.

OUT OF CURIOSITY, WERE THERE ANY BLACK CHARACTERS IN THIS MOVIE?

Actually, there were two tokens in this film, bringing the number of black "characters" in this summer's set of movies to five.  In "Austin Powers II," there was a "dancer" and a "man in plane."  I'm still hopeful that movies will eventually have more than two black characters per film, but I've been waiting for 24 years for that to happen, and here I am.  Thankfully, all-black movies are being made at a more rapid pace, so that helps ease the continual rage I have at Hollywood over this dilemma.

EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE IN THE FINALS, DO THE KNICKS STILL BLOW?

Yes, they still blow.

Rating:  Rental

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)