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"Adam & Steve"

Directed by Craig Chester.
Written by Craig Chester.
Starring Craig Chester, Malcolm Gets, Chris Kattan and Parker Posey.
Release Year:  2005
Review Date:  4/14/06

Folks--

Like that girl you hooked up with unexpectedly at that bar in the city where you just happened to be that one time, a full-blown Hard Vice-quality movie ends up on your lap like a Shanghai Surprise that you don't know what to do with but you DO know you've gotta tell someone.

And, in the case of the new romantic comedy "Adam & Steve", Hard Vice permeates through this fucking horseshit early and often, getting so bad that my normally-profane movie partner-in-crime--Mike "Curses" Iacovone, known on these pages as "The Yac"--was sitting in stunned silence, unable to utter even one additional profanity-laced tirade at the screen in an audience that included four people, half of which were us.  But, we HAD to tell somebody that we were witness to this pseudo-Nazi war crime.

"Adam & Steve", written & directed by rookie Craig Chester, stars Chester as Adam, a lonely bird-watching Department of Parks employee who happens to enjoy the sexual company of other men but is having a hard time with the NYC dating scene of 2004.  Enter Steve (Malcolm Gets), the hot, strapping veterinarian-turned-clinical-psychologist that is tired of boning pieces of male ass in the locker room shower stall at the gym where he works out...he wants a relationship.

And then Adam and Steve meet...although, as we see in the film's prologue, these two really met about 18 years before in a very uncomfortable situation.  This will become a problem later, don't you worry!

Yac and I both agreed on this much (besides the fact that this way-too-long dog of a movie was utterly hopeless from the jump):  the script by Chester is actually not too bad.  Chester's direction--and more specifically, his editor--makes "Adam & Steve" a fucking bottom-feeder, with countless bad scenes featuring a complete lack of comic timing, a budget that appears to be paper-thin (despite B-listers Parker Posey & Chris Kattan, as well as a cameo from Julie Hagerty, of "Airplane" fame), punchlines that come too early or more often too late, and strange uses of music, dance numbers and close-ups, in no particular order.  Chester also gets a little too ambitious by trying to make "Adam & Steve" a romantic comedy with too much feeling or drama; you can't have a movie that has so many silly sight gags and a scene where somebody takes a liquid shit on somebody else (I wish I was kidding about this) and expect me to take a guy that is in love with his partner even halfway serious.  Uhh, no.

Wow, this was bad, fucking horrible but in ways that you have to see to really understand; the sad thing is that this is a genre that needs attention (the romantic comedy with a 100% gay storyline, not one where the characters are experimenting after realizing they might be gay, like "Kissing Jessica Stein") but the movie is a disaster!  With a competent director and a veteran comedy film editor, "Adam & Steve" would have been an average experience.  As it is, dogshit.

Rating:  Hard Vice

 

Comments?  Drop me a line at justin@bellviewmovies.com.

 

Bellview Rating System:

"Opening Weekend":  This is the highest rating a movie can receive.  Reserved for movies that exhibit the highest level of acting, plot, character development, setting...or Salma Hayek.  Not necessarily in that order. 

"$X.XX Show":  This price changes each year due to the inflation of movie prices; currently, it is the $9.50 Show.  While not technically perfect, this is a movie that will still entertain you at a very high level.  "Undercover Brother" falls into this category; it's no "Casablanca", but you'll have a great time watching.  The $9.50 Show won't win any Oscars, but you'll be quoting lines from the thing for ages (see "Office Space"). 

"Matinee":  An average movie that merits no more than a $6.50 viewing at your local theater.  Seeing it for less than $9.50 will make you feel a lot better about yourself.  A movie like "Blue Crush" fits this category; you leave the theater saying "That wasn't too bad...man, did you see that Lakers game last night?" 

"Rental":  This rating indicates a movie that you see in the previews and say to your friend, "I'll be sure to miss that one."  Mostly forgettable, you couldn't lose too much by going to Hollywood Video and paying $3 to watch it with your sig other, but you would only do that if the video store was out of copies of "Ronin."  If you can, see this movie for free.  This is what your TV Guide would give "one and a half stars." 

"Hard Vice":  This rating is the bottom of the barrel.  A movie that only six other human beings have witnessed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen.  A Shannon Tweed "thriller," it is so bad as to be funny during almost every one of its 84 minutes, and includes the worst ending ever put into a movie.  Marginally worse than "Cabin Boy", "The Avengers" or "Leonard, Part 6", this rating means that you should avoid this movie at all costs, or no costs, EVEN IF YOU CAN SEE IT FOR FREE!  (Warning:  strong profanity will be used in all reviews of "Hard Vice"-rated movies.)