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Bellview in Prague!

6/11/00

Although it was hard spending a full week without a single movie experience, I think I more than made up for that by leaving my country and spending a good seven days in the Czech Republic's crown jewel, the capital city of Prague.  I had picked Prague originally for a couple of different reasons:  recommendations from many friends of mine, including Brian "Schmoove" Prenoveau, who called it his favorite European city during his backpacking trip a couple of years ago, and Maria Schweitzer, who lived in Prague for about a year; Prague is a perfect seven-day vacation, since you can see almost all of it during that time (at least, all of its main sights)—many cities in Europe require much more to get the full experience; I had heard that it was damned cheap there, which fit well into my 2000 vacation budget (I must admit, I'm taking too many trips this year for my income!); and, the club scene is pretty hip.  All these things prompted the move to book a flight on this journey.

So, as many of you remember, I was to originally go on this trip in April, but things came up and we rebooked for June 2nd through the 10th.  One negative about this was the increased number of tourists that would be there backpacking; one positive was that it would be much warmer than Prague's chilly April climate.  But, no matter—I just wanted to check out a new city!

And, I must admit:  Prague is a beautiful place.  The architecture, the people, its bread dumplings, its beefsteak, its clubs, and its intriguing history are all beautiful things and its ridiculously inexpensive prices make Prague a very ideal vacation.  It doesn't hurt that, while you might *think* that you are in a foreign country, almost everyone Laura "Wild Game" Wilber and I came in contact with spoke some English...in fact, I got the strange impression sometimes that there were more Americans than Czechs in the city center.  Hmm.  Point being, learning Czech is not necessary to get a lot out of this vacation...which is good, since I get the impression that learning Czech is like getting short Asian women to follow the rules of the road—fucking hard!  (More good-humored racism—a Bellview tradition—will follow in future editions.)

Rather than give you a rundown of every single thing that I did while in Prague (you would never talk to me again if I wrote you an 18-page essay), I thought I would highlight my interests, and comment on the strange trends that I saw during my seven days in Prague.

Sights:  All good.  Prague Castle, which was two minutes from where we stayed, was phat.  If I had just seen that—with the old royal palace, St. Vitus' cathedral, the Powder Tower, the Basilica, Golden Lane, and the toy museum—I could have come back to America a happy man.  As it were, I got to see most all of the major things that people check out while in Prague, like Charles Bridge, the National Museum, St. Nicholas' church, the Jewish Quarter, Old Town Square and Old Town Hall, the Petrine Gardens, Wenceslas Square and Tyn Church.  Laura made the comment that in Prague, you get the feeling that all of the buildings are important, since they all seemed to have flags or statues or another adornments that made them look official.  So true.  And, at night...the view from the east side of Vltava River at Charles Bridge with Prague Castle in the background was spectacular.  I have heard that in the winter, it looks even better lit up with snowcapped rooftops.  Wow.  It was hard seeing buildings that had older doorways than my whole country; the history of some of the buildings in Prague is pretty cool.

Day trip:  On Wednesday, our landlord—an absolute playa named Roman that has lived in the Czech Republic for a long part of his 33 years—took us to a castle southeast of the city and to a couple of villages that he lived in growing up, as well as on a cherry-picking side trip and to see the old mint of the republic.  Accompanying us were a couple of 19-year-old Irish guys that were making their first real vacation outside of the Irish Republic.  Besides Laura's chain-smoking during a coffee stop (just because I don't have any pictures of it, don't let her tell you she wasn't doing it!), two things really stood out for me during that day.  First, one of the Irish guys named Daniel seemed genuinely excited to be on vacation.  I mean, it was infectious watching Daniel talk about his life back home and how sweet it was to have saved up some money and take an adventure like the one he and his other friends (they were a foursome altogether) were taking by coming to Prague.  He couldn't stop talking about how cool it was to be meeting people from America, seeing castles in other countries, or just drinking coffee and talking about life and religion and women and smoking and issues and anything that came to mind.  When he said that this was a trip that he would never forget, you couldn't help but believe it...very positive person to be around.  The second thing that I'll remember the most about that day, though?  That's easy—I had a moment of clarity while the other folks in my party were picking cherries off of trees nearby, and as I walked away from the trees to get a view of the perfect sky—it was a perfect 75-degree day, mind you—I thought to myself how much I loved my life at that moment.  No job, no cars, no buildings, no nothing...just me and these clouds and this weather and this view of nothing but green for miles and the mountains.  Phenomenal.

Food:  Ahh, yes, the food.  As many of you may know, I plan on starting a diet this week to work about 10 pounds off of my not-out-of-hand-yet frame.  So, this vacation was my last stand against the fruit-and-veggie-filled days of my new future.  And, I think Laura and I delivered.  First off, let us give a Bellview round of applause to Laura Wilber, who was throwing down wild game dinners like it was her job.  Venison, stuffed duck, chicken, beef, you name it...the only thing she didn't throw down was boar (and, in a couple of dishes, we think there may have been some boar supplements thrown in by the chef).  On my end, I was not shy about demolishing meals of chicken, rabbit, beefsteak and bread dumplings.  Bread dumplings, friends, are now one of God's most pleasant gifts.  Wow...you know the way that you can take some foods, and perform ritual soppage (soppage:  the act of sopping one's food into another food's liquid offshoot.  Ex:  Justin was eatin' his dumplings, and he was soppin' them all through the beef gravy on the plate and slappin' it in his mouth)?  Well, I was ordering extra dumplings to make sure that my meat's natural greases were all going down the hatch somehow!!  My favorite dish:  hard to say (Laura's was definitely the venison), but the pick I will describe now is what I call the Heartattack Special:  a veritable beef stew consisting of bacon, smoked sausage, chicken, beef, potatoes, tomatoes, onions and red peppers.  After consuming this dish—which is a special order at a restaurant called Barfly and takes 55 minutes to prepare, EXACTLY 55 minutes—I was pretty confident that I was going to die.  Thankfully, I was wrong.

Women:  Schmoove had informed me that I was to see at least a hundred hot women every day.  A figure of speech, yes, but how accurate he was is all a matter of perspective.  I must admit, though, that hotties were in my presence.  Whether it was Czech women working at a restaurant, or non-Czechs at all of the major sights in town, my thoughts were that it was all good.  I personally enjoyed the number of women who simply forgot to wear underwear to some of the nightspots that Laura and I went to, or the ever-popular white dress with thong underwear, as if to say "yes, this is see-through...so, what the fuck are you going to do about it?"  Although hairy armpits on women are not for me, they were in abundance and it seemed that many of the Euro men didn't seem to mind the near-afros that were bursting from underneath chicks' pits.  Hey, to each their own.

Dance nightlife:  Here is where Prague can get interesting.  We went dancing five times in seven days.  We only found four clubs that we were interested in going to:  Lavka, Karlovy Lazne (both of which are located at the east base of Charles Bridge), Radost FX and Roxy.  Lavka is, for all intents and purposes, any club/bar in Georgetown in DC.  Frat types and other non-dancers "dancing" to popular American pop music.  Great outdoor bar, cheap cover, and lots of gringos walking around shit-ass drunk.  Radost FX was small, but played reasonably good trance and progressive music and had a cool-looking crowd.  We went on a Saturday night, and it was not crowded at any point during our stay there from midnight till about 4 am.  Not a good sign.  Karlovy Lazne was awesome.  Three DJed dance floors with a live concert hall on the first floor.  Two words, friends:  mother-fucking Twisted Sister was at the club the first time we went there.  Wow.  I don't even listen to hard rock, but I know who twisted sister is, and I thought for sure that all of them were dead.  Apparently, that was wrong.  But, one of the three floors was playing some pretty hard-core house music, and I was in hog heaven because there were only about 10 people on the dance floor with Laura and I.  So, I was getting my groove on just right.  The finale was Roxy.  Far and away the best club I went to in Prague (and, a top-five Bellview club selection), this was a pure-and-simple throwdown.  Great DJ, great crowd, great club, and I think I was on the dance floor for about three consecutive hours with no breaks, the guy was that good.

Non-dance nightlife:  Not bad.  Did a orchestral concert featuring works by Vivaldi and Mozart at St. Nicholas' church, which was cool because everyone was sitting in the pews of the church, while the three artists were working from a balcony on the floor above us, out of sight.  One night we did a contemporary jazz artist featuring one of Prague's most popular saxophonists and his three bandmates.  Pretty good two-hour show, and they did three encores.  Whoa!  Also did a play at the Black Light Theater (it is what the name implies), a rendition of "Alice in Wonderland" with no dialogue.  I thought it blew, but I think that Laura wanted to give the artists at least a little credit for trying.

Living with a girl:  Staying with Laura was pretty cool.  When you spend seven full days with the just the same person, whether you are dating or not, you really get to know some of their quirks and how they think about different issues.  Plus, Laura can go from zero to snore in about the time it takes for a person to fall onto a bed.  Fucking amazing!!  One day, after we had gone to the Jewish quarter and the castle district for a whirlwind of sightseeing, we came home and took a nap.  As Laura was taking off her shoes and laying onto her bed, I was saying something like "enjoy the nap—" when Laura—HEAD NOT EVEN ON THE PILLOW YET—is snoring so loud I am sure little children on the street are scurrying in fear of the antichrist himself.  I couldn't even believe it!  Laura is a class A snore job!  There were some nights where I woke up, rolled over on my bed and asked, "Is that you, Dad?"

80s music:  I want to make this as clear as possible.  the Czechs love 80s pop!  Honestly, I heard songs in Prague that I haven't heard IN THE US since the late 80s.  Shit, I heard a Czech-language remix of "Ghostbusters" by someone trying to impersonate Ray Parker Jr.!!!  Seriously, if you were a star in the 80s, the first thing you should do is do a revival tour in Prague.  It would be gangbusters!  I heard 80s music in almost every store, restaurant, and public place in Prague.  I don't think I have ever seen music bastardized like I saw The Bangles, Sheena Easton and Cyndi Lauper get abused while in Prague.

Cost:  Here, friends, is the coup de grace of going to Prague.  As straightforward as I can possibly say it, Prague is one hell of a cheap place for an American right now.  Actual cover at Lavka:  50 crowns, or about $1.30.  Remember that Heartattack Special I was talking about earlier?  I had that dish, plus four beers and a screwdriver for $9.  Nine dollars!!  Beer, in a restaurant—20-30 crowns for a half-liter, or about 50-90 cents.  In a grocery store, you could get beers for about 25 cents.  (I'm glad that I don't live in Prague on American transfer, because if I did, I would be a hard-driving alcoholic.)  Theater tickets were never more than $10, none of our dinners made it over $20, and I generally lived like a king all week.  We paid $50/night for our room, which is expensive in Prague...but, that was with our own bathroom, two beds, TV, and a shared kitchen.

Overall, this was a pretty cool vacation.  And, it was great to not have to go to work for a week...but, the pain is coming for me this week, as I must venture back into the place that sustains my delicious vacation habits.

Rating:  Opening Weekend

 

Past Bellview Ratings:

• "Gentleman Pimp"—the novel:  Opening Weekend

• Chuck's "toothbrush" story:  $8.25 Show

• ESPNZone—DC:  Matinee

• The frozen yogurt selection at Freddie Mac:  Rental

• The thought of not having bacon for two months:  Hard Vice

 

justin@bellviewmovies.com