One Saturn, Fully Loaded

"Oh man, I have always wanted to take a road trip cross-country!"

"So, do you want to come with me?"

"Well, no...I just don't want to take the vacation days. But, have fun!"

This was the typical conversation I had with the ten or so friends I asked to come with me on my jaunt across the greatest nation on the planet. It seems like everyone wants to go on a long cross-country road trip, but faced with the prospect of actually sitting in the car for seven straight days, people usually fold in the face of pressure.

So it was, then, that I moved from Falls Church, VA to San Francisco, CA. 3508 miles later, I lived to tell the story. The itinerary: Falls Church to Charlottesville, VA to Dayton, OH to Indianapolis, IN to Evanston, IL to Madison, WI to Aurora, CO to Reno, NV to San Francisco. The highlights:

-->The rear-view mirror

What made driving on this trip so much fun was the simple fact that because my Saturn was so loaded with my stuff, I couldn't see out the back window. This rendered the rear-view mirror useless. So, for seven straight days, I had to drive the car (and, worse, *park* the car) with just the side-view mirrors. This, friends, is not a very good idea.

-->Evanston, IL: The nation's ugliest women?

Friends, I have been to many great places in this country, and feel that I am reasonably well-traveled. I went to visit my friend Terry in Evanston, where he resides as a member of the Sociology Department at Northwestern University. On a Tuesday night, at the student union and around town, we did not witness a single decent-looking woman of any age, race or ethnic background. This is amazing. Not a single one! I was in total shock. Terry sadly recounted how painful it was to go from the vast oceans of beautiful women during our days together at The Greatest University in the World--UVA--to this shithole. Man.

-->Indianapolis, IN: The nation's greatest doughnut

If you have known me for more than fifteen minutes, you know that I am a pretty simple man when it comes to food: bacon, doughnuts, meat products, cereal, cookies, Skittles. (I don't believe in vegetables.) As a professional doughnut eater, I know my shit. In fact, I am such a big doughnut guy that one of my directors at my last job bought me a pair of Krispy Kreme boxers. I also believe that the best places in America are not chains, so as good as Krispy Kremes are, they will never be the best doughnut. The best doughnut in the country? Long's Donuts, in Indy. Their doughnuts are so good, I have seriously considered working out a deal that would allow for shipments of doughnuts to come to my door once a week, a day old. Wow, wow, wow.

-->Madison, WI: Cops and machine guns

My cousin Ronnie is a cop in Madison, Wisconsin. Having achieved the rank of Sergeant, he now rides around the streets of Madison in his own squad car. So, I got to spend the day with him and drive around town in a squad car, a first for me. Man, cops have some pretty sweet stuff in their car. And, the computer system these guys use is top-notch. However, it was a little strange sitting in the passenger seat and having to straddle an AR-16 rifle, which looks like and performs like a high-powered cousin of the M-16. Probably the closest I have ever been to a weapon, and it was cool in a surreal way to be loaded to the hip in firepower. Then, we went on a call to assist an officer that was sorting out a parking lot violation with some high school kids. Oh well, so much for my chances of being along for a REAL crime.

-->Talking to yourself is a *good* thing

On Thursday, October 4th and Friday, October 5th, I drove for sixteen hours each day. This, again, is a really bad idea for someone to do alone...which is exactly why I did it. And, halfway through Friday's driving, my speakers started to burn out. When the radio was off, I started to talk to myself, and I'll tell you what: I may have been delirious and hallucinating, but I know now what all the girls I have gone out with in the last two years have missed out on! I mean, from talking to myself for two straight days, I know that I am smart, funny, very knowledgeable about movies and sports, and very outgoing. From kind comments from friends about "The Picture" (think: Jamaica), I apparently have a pretty nice ass and in general, am a handsome individual. I enjoy bocce, the color purple and sunsets...hip-hop and house music, with the occasional disco, 80s or classical track thrown in for good measure...reading the newspaper and the smell of the morning. By the end of the second long day of driving, I was beginning to have full-scale arguments with myself about prisons in America, the events of September 11th and women who stay in abusive relationships. Man, it would have been nice to have someone to talk to...

-->Reno, NV: Never again

I haven't been to Las Vegas, but from what I understand, Reno is a poor man's Vegas. Well, make that really fuckin' poor. Reno, for all intents and purposes, is one of the cities that we should give to the Japanese should we ever need to make a land deal for goods and services, because the place is totally useless. Forget the fact that the people in Reno (Renoians? Renovants?) all appeared on "The Jeff Foxworthy Show" and four different people asked me what the two-letter state code is for Virginia when I presented my ID. Reno felt like it was stuck in 1987 and I am anxious to never go back there again.

-->San Francisco, CA: Heaven?

I had a hard time telling people how psyched up I was for this adventure because of the final destination, but the signs were all there in the morning drive to California on Saturday, October 6th. At 10 in the morning, outside of Sacramento, the weather was absolutely perfect: 75 degrees, a slight breeze, a movie-perfect blue sky. The grin on my face was ear-to-ear. Lovelies rolled by my car on the right, and souped-up "Fast and the Furious"-style Honda CRXs rolled by on the left, with more Japanese symbols than I could count. Had I made the right move? I think so, and the timing couldn't be better. This is, by far, the best time to be moving to the Bay Area in the last five years, in terms of housing. My roommate Laura and I found an apartment in just 36 hours. Rent is dropping faster than you can say "tech stocks" and if you were thinking about moving to San Francisco next year, MOVE HERE NOW. People are handing out apartments like nobody's business right now, and if you can find a job, this is a great time to be here.

And speaking of looking for a job, I should be doing that right now!

bellview--whole lotta zoomin'

One Saturn, Fully Loaded