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Stinger!

11/14/04

Dear "Halo 2",

Why have you ruined my life?

Why, sweet, blessed "Halo 2", why have you taken my once-proud social tradition and run it completely into the ground?

Why, you succulent loin, have you taken my sleep pattern and beaten it like a KKK member?

Sure, I thought you would be good, but this good?  So good that I literally had to set an alarm in order to remember that I needed to go to bed?  So good that I contemplated waiting outside in 40° weather just to buy a copy of you at midnight?  So good that I left a bar early on a Friday night so I could run home and play you for five hours straight?

So good that you made $125 million in one day, setting a record for single sales of anything entertainment-related ever????

I had no idea, no idea that everything would be this good, but maybe I shouldn't be that surprised.  When your makers took three years to finish you up, I knew that they would get it right, but this right?  So right that you can play with 15 other people at the same time and never have any lag?  So right that you have somehow devised a way for sound effects to be based on proximity, so you can only hear people that are standing close to you unless you use your radio?  So right that you complemented distance weapons like a sniper rifle with up-close-and-personal weapons like an energy sword for nasty stealth kills?

So right that you can jump on moving vehicles, beat down the driver and jack his ride?

My God, "Halo 2", I have never loved and hated something as much as I love and hate you all at the same time.  The day after your release--when I stayed up until 3 AM playing you, on a Tuesday, no less!--I was so tired that I fell asleep twice at my desk trying to look at my PC monitor.  Now, when friends cancel plans on me, that just means I have more time to play with you...but, in the long run, you are going to destroy all of my relationships with all the effortlessness of a knife slipping through hot butter.  I was at a club on Saturday night, damn you, and even though there was a veritable parade of hot flesh dancing in front of me and people in my party urging me to take them up on their bump-and-grind offers, I couldn't get you off of my mind.  By 1 AM, I was thinking, "If I run home right now, I can probably get two more hours of 'Halo 2' in before bedtime!"

But as much as I want to hate you, you just keep popping into my consciousness.  Sure, it's the honeymoon right now, but love is eternal, right?  I love that over Xbox Live, I can play you with a bunch of my friends over and over again, talking smack all the while.  I love some of your new modes, like team ball, assault, territories and one-flag capture-the-flag.  I love the beauty of the new maps, the incredible lighting effects and sound effects that rival films like "The Matrix."

And, I love that you finally came around--double-fisting weapons is super-tight.

You have presented me with significant challenges, "Halo 2", you rat son-of-a-bitch.  How do I get every single man and woman I know to see the genius of you, the pure brilliance of all that you encompass?  How do I convince those with PlayStation2s that they need to own two systems, if anything just to own a copy of "Halo 2"?  How do I make them see that Xbox Live might be the greatest single achievement in the history of video games?  How do I make them understand that teamwork had never been fully realized in a game until you came along?

How can I sell them on that moment of beauty when you hit an opponent with a stinger (sticky plasma grenade), he blows up, and you walk over his dead body while talking smack, knowing they can hear you through their headset???

I'll admit, the love outweighs the hate that I have for you right now, because I just can't get enough of you.  And, I fear that when you release new maps for the game every few weeks, you will be the only game in the deck for a few months to come.  I ask you this question, then, half wanting to know the answer...and half wanting the answer to never come:

When do I get "Halo 3", damn you?

 

Random Bellviews, courtesy of Bell and Longer Community Trust:

• Ivory Tower:  Opening Weekend

• Double-fisted magnums:  Opening Weekend

• Smack-talking with 14-year-olds and 34-year-olds in the same game:  Opening Weekend

• Head shots:  Opening Weekend

• Master Chief:  Opening Weekend

 

justin@bellviewmovies.com