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Guess Who's Coming to (Deliver) Dinner

5/8/06

I need your help, because I'm hoping that you can help me understand what all of the fuss is about.  Also, since you are aware that I am an Equal Opportunity Racist, you already know that I make off-color remarks about everybody, so you will bear with me as I offend some to understand others in my quest to enjoy my life here in the greatest country on earth amongst those that are not necessarily from here and didn't bother to legally enter.

My friend Dave Lee, the great man that named this column and a frequent collaborator of ideas that I employ for this space, called me on Sunday and we had a good, healthy, two-hour discussion about the recent flare-up of immigration and immigrant rights issues that have dominated local and national news for the last eight weeks or so.  I enjoyed Dave's take on the matter--even if I didn't agree with all of it--and while we both know that at the end of the day we're just two guys talkin', I wondered what other folks are thinking about this issue right now.  My current issue is with ILLEGAL immigrants, not those that entered the country legally and therefore have a legitimate beef as to why they are not handled with a somewhat equal amount of respect, authority and human rights.

Here's my take on border-crossing Mexicans (sure, other illegals are getting in, but it seems that all of the press concentrates on those crossing from south of the border), from extremely limited knowledge and background research:  what the FUCK do you mean, you're pissed that you don't have fair and equal rights?  If you roll through our borders and don't want to tell anyone that you are here, why the FUCK are you gonna say a DAMN thing about what you do and don't have?  Thousands of foreign nationals come here every year through legitimate--albeit painfully slow--means, and they waited their turn...why should I treat someone that skipped the proverbial line with the same amount of respect?  If you enter this, or any other, country illegally, doesn't that mean that you need to shut the fuck up?

On a day-to-day level, I have been surprised that this has been such a hot-button issue this spring, since this has been going on for years.  But admittedly, I think about the sheer number of places where I see, or interact with, people of Latin descent that might be of a questionable entry nature, and it is a bit dizzying...all of the major support staff positions at my condo building, all but one of the people at my work cafeteria, all of the guys that work in the back at my favorite work lunch spot (Cheeburger Cheeburger), all of the folks that clean my office building, all of the guys that work at the gas stations near my apartment, all of the guys at the restaurant next to Cheeburger Cheeburger (Chipotle), all of the guys that deliver my dinner takeout (at least, from Papa John's and Pizza Hut), all of the folks that work at one of the Shoppers Food Warehouses that I hit...the list goes on and on and on.  What if even a third of those folks were suddenly not here?

Whoa.  MAJOR shutdown.

But, would that mean that more legal immigrants would be able to work in those jobs?  Sure...if they wanted or needed to work in those positions.  Even I will admit that at the local car wash (a place, and a business line, that seems like fertile ground for illicit hiring practices...the guys that wiped down my Civic last week may or may not be legit), costs are down a tad because labor MUST be cheap...and that can be found in other places, where goods and services are cheaper because the labor is cheaper, and in this area, cheaper is rare and welcome wherever you can get it.

I have a hard time making sense of these issues in my mind on the day-to-day...again, my big issue is ENTRY.  Dave and I disagreed on a few points but none more so than this one, because where Dave would like to make it decidedly easier for anyone to enter this country to obtain a work permit (assuming that they report back to the INS regularly and maintain employment), I like that it takes some time to apply and enter the country legally.  (However, foreign nationals that marry U.S. citizens should get moved to the front of the line, and in two cases with friends I know, that is HARDLY the case.)  As someone that helps foreign nationals find employment literally every month, I have seen the near-future and it really is a bit scary in terms of the influx of talented workers and their stake on positions that would normally be filled with born-and-bred Americans.  My contact is mostly with Asian and Indian H-1b holders, but I know this much--technology positions are not going anywhere, and the number of foreigners that enter the country speaking better English than most of my friends & family AND possessing the technical abilities to earn $100,000 a year is truly staggering.  Add this pool of workers to those that are entering the U.S. and filling retail, janitorial, kitchen and blue-collar positions, and it's already getting interesting in terms of wondering what the nationality mix of most American companies will be in even 20 years.

No, I'm not down with putting a big wall up along 2,000 miles of unguarded entry points on the southern U.S. border.  But, how else do you combat a situation where hundreds of people are skipping the border every day?  I had to admit that Dave's idea--make getting a temporary work permit relatively easy (two or three months, like superfast compared to how it is now) and require those that enter to check in with the INS or other services on a regular basis--matched with my thoughts on either a U.S. Border Patrol force tripled in size or a big-ass wall or an electric fence or Mexican Border Police actually giving a shit and not letting their folks skip the border without proper authorization, is a start.  I would make it even easier to get here if Mexico was Darfur Incarnate, or Haiti Incarnate, or any place that we truly consider war-torn or genocide-ridden or politically unstable...but, it's fucking Mexico!  If you want to come to the U.S., that sounds cool to me; you just have to wait in line with everybody else from around the world!  You don't get a free pass because you can pack up and run across the border, and you sure as shit don't get to say shit when you get here because you are a fucking cheater.

Am I wrong?  Is Mexico ruled by some iron-fist dictator that is lopping off children's heads for no reason in the middle of the street?  Man, if it was, I really would need to shut up so we could funnel people into this country STAT.  But why should a Mexican guy that can find work in Austin as a construction worker have any faster entry into this country than a guy from Nepal that wants the same thing?  Do we make it harder on Mexicans that want to enter the country legally than guys from Nepal?  I don't think our immigration department has a built-in bias like that, but I certainly could be mistaken.

I try and take this issue and turn it around:  what if I wanted to obtain a work permit to eventually become a citizen of, I don't know, Mexico?  (I vaguely remember the only funny scene from "The Day After Tomorrow", where Mexican Border Police were denying entry to Americans trying to cross the border into Mexico.)  Let's say me and five guys from UVA hopped a Ford Explorer and drove over the border into Mexico, with no passports and no legal paperwork stating we had a work permit or education visa to be there.  Then, after shafting six honest-to-goodness Mexican citizens out of jobs because we work harder than those guys, we take cash under the table for our paychecks (for 25% less than what the honest-to-goodness Mexican guys were making, saving our new company good money on the back end...did I mention that we're not on the books?).  During our first four months after we start working, we meet about a hundred other gringos that have moved across the border and we collectively make a pact--we are going to stage a big rally in the middle of downtown Mexico City to protest the fact that we have a harder time attaining rights, a harder time attaining property, and a harder time with the language, since almost none of us have bothered to learn any Spanish.  If I was a Mexican citizen and I heard all of this nonsense, wouldn't my reaction be

"Hey, hombre, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!  If you want some respect, some rights and some authority, how about you go back to your country and come back with some paperwork stating that you BELONG here, because otherwise, you don't have the rights to SHIT!  Now go back to the kitchen and make me some fried chicken, negro!!"

I'm just sayin'.

 

justin@bellviewmovies.com