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Dear Apple, Fuck You (Love, Justin)

11/28/05

Dear Apple,

After owning a "jukebox" MP3 player made by Creative for the last three years, I decided that I wanted to upgrade my player and buy the best model available.  The player I used to have was perfect in almost every way--the 20 GB player was cheap, it had great sound quality output, setting up playlists was easy, and it had a convenient line out jack on the back...not to mention replaceable battery slots that allowed for the player to go for 20 hours at a time without needing a recharge.  The only weakness of my Creative Nomad Jukebox³--it was the size of a CD Walkman and was a bit too bulky to shove it into my breast pocket.

Or my jacket pocket.  Or my freakin' pants pocket.  It was kind of like having a cell phone the size of that monstrosity Michael Douglas is using on the beach during that scene in the 80s classic "Wall Street"; really uncool.

After watching friends buy the first, second, and third-generation of iPods for Windows, I wanted to wait until all of the kinks were worked out before I slapped my hard-earned cash down on the little white box that is all the rage these days.  This summer, I made the power move--I bought the 60 GB iPod for $400 at my local Best Buy, plus the $50 Protection Plan and a $30 case, which all said and done rounded out to about $500 to upgrade to a smaller player.

And, I gotta say, while I am loving the smaller size and the ability to carry mountains of music wherever I go...Fuck You, Apple Computer, Inc., for taking somebody's great idea and going all Microsoft on the people by trying to make up for 20 years of shitty business by raping & pillaging my pocketbook to keep up with your stylish-but-unpopular computer hardware.

I'm torn, really, because I hate you but my iPod is a pretty nice device.  Sure, having a dial and only one button does make navigating my voluminous song collection a breeze.  And, although I didn't particularly need a color screen that can display album art and my digital photographs, I'll admit it's easy on the eyes.  Naturally, I'm in love with the size, since I can now take my music out with me, even if I go to a club, and not be weighed down by a heavy device.

But, $100 more than the next closest competitor for a 60 GB player seems a bit excessive, would you not agree?  Especially for a player that (prior to this latest iteration of the device) has many less features than the Sony, Creative and iRiver product lines (no games, no radio, no video content, etc.).  And, come on, you couldn't provide a docking station any more for the damned thing, after doing that for the first few generations of the product?  Now, that dock costs $40, plus you need to buy A/V cables to hook it up to your stereo; you will drop $500 on this bad boy before batting an eye.  And, the fucking LEAST you could do was actually give me 60 GB of hard drive space, not 55 GB as is really available.  Was it too fucking hard to just make the player a 65 GB drive that really has 60 GB of space?  Was it, asshole?

And, why do half of my friends have a "my iPod fucking died on me" story when this thing has been out for more than four years?  You expect a product to have some growing pains in its first or maybe second iteration.  But, I have friends regularly tell me stories that start a little like this:

"So, I had my iPod for a month, and one day I turned it on--after it still had a nearly full charge!--and the thing just went blank.  I tried to reset it, and nothing happened.  I went to plug it in, and nothing happened.  I had to return it to get a new one...for the second time."

Some of my anger with you, Apple, and with the high initial cost is that only an absolute fool would buy an iPod right now and NOT buy some kind of extended warranty for an iPod; it is the only electronic device I have ever owned that is nearly guaranteed to fail at some point during its lifespan.  I've already had it screw up a couple of times, both times when I went to sync my player with my PC hard drive; after turning it on, it wouldn't play any of my purchased songs through iTunes, so I had to reset it in order for them to work properly.  To give you some perspective, I have never had a name-brand TV burn out on me, never had a PC fail (although it did once crash due to a power surge), never had a video game system die, never had a satellite TV issue, never had a TiVo hard drive go bad on me.  I am a near-world class toolie, as I love gadgets...but only the iPod truly scares me every time I take it on a trip, for fear that this will be the trip where it decides to stop working.

As much as I hate you for this, Apple, I have to admit...carrying my 'Pod around town, wearing my signature white earbuds, spinning the click wheel around to get to S in my album collection, I feel once again like I am an active member of modern society.  When I go to New York, the immigration agents working the border to town once again welcome me inside their wondrous city now that I have an iPod.  When I go to parties, I slip my iPod near a stereo, plug in an A/V cable and immediately become the DJ that keeps the juices pumpin'.  And now that my car has an aux jack in the radio, I can pump my tracks in my ride as I ease down the sexiest avenue in town...uhh, Rockville Pike.

It's a constant back-and-forth with you, though.  In some ways, I feel like I sold out Creative, the firm that made my first jukebox player; now, when I come home and see my Nomad just chillin' in the corner of my desk, I can tell she knows I betrayed her, and that hurts me just a tad.  The iPod playlist functionality is not nearly as strong as it was on my Nomad; worse, you can't even name your playlist without getting back to a PC, which is silly when you are out on a long trip away from the casa.  The sound output doesn't sound quite as good as it did on my Nomad; of course, if I had the $300 required to play my iPod on that Bose SoundDock, I'm sure I would have nothing to whine about.

Too bad I'm not rich.  Oh, before I forget, Apple...kudos on somehow marketing the idea that you invented the shuffle functionality, even going so far as to release a $100 (fucking $100?  for a stick of gum that has less capacity than MP3 players half the price?) toy that can be worn around your neck.  I really must give you credit there; I know folks who bought your Shuffle device instead of players by Rio or Creative that cost less, were pretty small, and held a ton more music.  Then you released a player that held a little more music and double the price on that; for $200, you could buy a very nice 20 GB player from Creative, but instead people were buying the 5 GB version of your Mini (then, the Nano) for the same price!

All to have an Apple!  It's amazing that you have been this successful after being so completely fucking useless at selling your products all throughout the 80s and 90s; truly, this last five years at your company has been nothing short of brilliant.  Sure, no one is still buying your overpriced-but-equally stylish computers, but you've got a cash cow that is not only the market leader but--kind of like your friends over at Microsoft, you cash-raping whores--a toy that looks like it's got "monopoly" written all over it.  Combine that with the success of Pixar and the crazy cash you are making through the iTunes Music Store, and you muthafuckas are making out with the loot!

As much as I hate you people (by the way, thanks for releasing video iPod about 15 minutes after I bought the "new and improved" Photo iPod), I have to give credit where credit is due, even IF I feel dirty for helping support the new Evil Empire--along with the Boston Red Sox, you guys have taken the spot of former national nemeses like the Dallas Cowboys, AT&T and the Republicans.  Until my iPod crashes, I will praise you for a mostly-quality product.  Just do me a favor--make this thing slightly more affordable for those less fortunate this holiday season.  You realize that kids can buy a full-blown PC these days from Dell for less than your 20 GB iPod?

Ahh, maybe you don't care.  Why should you?  You're not used to having this many folks love you, anyway.

(Go) Sincerely (Fuck Yourself),

Justin

 

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justin@bellviewmovies.com