Boxer Briefs

In my life, I am a fast follower in terms of a number of things that I get into. Most of them have to do with technology. I was happy to pay more money to buy my TiVo when TiVo boxes were still a little-known commodity just three years ago. Before iPods took over television advertising, I bought a hard drive MP3 player, for half the price of an iPod and an equal in terms of usability. I'm always buying the new video game systems the day they come out, because like little Bobby after a good Christmas, that money just burns a hole in my pocket and I gotta feel like I have a leg up on the people!

As much as I am a fast follower in the technology world, though, I am eons behind the trends in the fashion industry. The last time I was regularly buying cool clothes was when I worked at Britches of Georgetowne, a men's fashion store based in the Washington, DC area. I still have a number of the outfits I bought with my employee discount back in '97 and '98, and happily, most of the clothes still fit and still look good. But, outside of that, I'm pretty useless. I happily buy knock-offs at Marshall's and Ross, because when it comes to "the basics"--jeans, undershirts, boxers, sweaters, business casual buttondowns, khakis--I don't need to look like I know my stuff. I just don't want to embarrass myself by wearing clothes that look drastically out of style.

So, as I only even go into stores that sell clothes once, maybe twice a year, I rarely take any chances. But, recently, I rolled the dice in a way that I may have never rolled the dice before...I bought two pairs of BVD boxer briefs.

I was going over to the Wheaton Mall to buy shoes, actually...I needed to update my black pair of dress shoes and I was about to browse the local spots to see what I could snag for $80-$100, so my mind was set on the mission at hand. Rarely do I window-shop for other clothes when I go clothes shopping; I tend to not be a very patient person when I'm just buying the basics, so normally, I walk through mall "anchor" stores without stopping to smell the roses.

But for whatever reason, as I was walking through JC Penney to get to the Florsheim store, a seasonal promo caught my eye: two pairs of BVD boxer briefs for just $11. Now, I don't know what the market is on men's underwear these days, but the price sounded right.

Further, I had been thinking recently about giving boxer briefs a roll. (Whenever this essay rolls into TMI territory, feel free to head back to the movie reviews section.) See, I'm big on boxers, always have been. Like the comfort, like to have the air running through my shorts, especially when the weather gets warm. However, I have never loved how my boxers perform in long pants in the summertime. As my friend Rob properly instilled in me years ago, the "Swamp Ass" phenomenon tends to take heed as May moves into July and you are sitting in your car with your boxers providing no escape. Boxers tend to bunch up--especially if you are always buying your boxers slightly baggy, as I tend to do--and that leads to many moments of extended adjustments, and we all know how much fun that can be.

Now, I do happen to keep the tighty-whities around for athletic events, because quite frankly, if you have a dong of any reasonable size, then tighty-whities help keep your jo-jo in place. Seriously, I don't know how any man that has a johnson worth a damn can wear boxers while playing basketball or softball. Running around with boxers on creates a similar effect to big-breasted women running around with no sportsbra; "jiggle effect" is one thing, but "sloppy effect" is a whole fucking 'nother.

Steve "The Squatter" Baron used to always joke that former Knicks center Patrick Ewing's dong was so large that he had to use athletic tape to keep it strapped down under his shorts during games; urban legend to be sure, but there is some truth to the fact that you've got to keep the boys in place while running around for 45 minutes a night. So, tighty-whities will always have a place in my closet.

That leaves you with an interesting problem--what do you wear when you have dress pants on, especially when you want something that keeps things in place but is fairly flexible in the crotch area? Jeans and boxers go hand-in-hand, especially if you like your jeans baggy. But, for dress pants, I really wanted to try out boxer briefs, but had no one to bounce my thoughts on.

So, seeing the special for the $11 2-pair BVD option, I pulled the trigger.

The move was pure genius.

I gave my new underwear a tryout last week, and friends, I've gotta tell you: boxer briefs fuckin' rock. From the moment you slip them on, you feel something special...the mix of snugness and freedom can only be described by someone that has just slipped them on in the morning, a truly magical moment that I really wanted to share with someone...except, I'm sure that my mom (who I have been crashing with since the start of the year) was going to have none of it.

You remember that scene from "The Simpsons" episode where Homer is dreaming that he's in Chocolate Land, and he is flying around eating everything in sight? Then he lands, and they're playing that little song as he dances around chocolate sidewalks, chomps a bit out of the chocolate lamppost...then spies chocolate in a chocolate store that's on sale, and utters "Mmmm...chocolate for half off..."??

That was me after slipping on boxer briefs.

I started to walk around in them, and they were like a second skin! I walked into the bathroom, and even though I have a fairly hefty belly that constantly threatens the briefs' elastic waistline, I was feeling like I was looking good! I don't think it matters how big or how small your jimmy is in real life, because in boxer briefs, your package is going to look solid in a pair of boxer briefs. Solid!!

Then, I wore them to work for a full day under a fairly unspacious pair of khakis from Structure...whoops, Limited for Men, or Ann Taylor Gentlemen, or whatever the hell they are called now. The second I left work, I called up Jennifer, a.k.a. "The Snatchologist", and almost unable to control myself, I yelled into my cell phone

"Yo!! These boxer briefs are phat!"

Then, I had to calm down. The traffic on Shady Grove Road was starting to pick up. Luckily, I had my boxer briefs on to keep me all comfy like.

Random Bellviews, courtesy of Bell and Longer Community Trust:

Having Georgia Tech, UConn, Duke and OK State in your Final Four bracket: Opening Weekend
The Chris Rock concert two weeks ago: $9.50 Show
Celebrating your birthday...your THIRTIETH birthday...while pregnant...: Matinee
No Diet Coke for 40 days and 40 nights: Rental
Not knowing that later on today, your wife is going to file for divorce: Hard Vice

bellview--muchos besos

Boxer Briefs