Potpourri 12

Stealth Preggers

I have stated publicly and on this website that once friends of mine have kids, you can pretty much guarantee that I will be calling you a lot less. This is not because I suddenly don't like you--although I will admit, this would be a great out--but because I understand that, much like the other 14 friends of mine that already have kids, you will need to be more focused on your family and my random need to shit-talk becomes much less vital.

However, this has rubbed some people the wrong way, none more so than my friend Amy "Stealth Preggers" Handy, who actually didn't tell me she was pregnant until midway through her fourth month because she was afraid that I was going to ex-communicate her early in her pregnancy. I was stunned into silence when she tried to justify her decision to hide the child from me...but, it made sense when I realized that she thought enough of our friendship to try and keep it warm until the inevitable coming of a little one.

The thing is, I'm really in touch with my parent-friends (most, anyway...); I think that I do a pretty good job of checking in once a month or so on most of those folks, and I know that living vicariously through those still out there in "the game" is a big deal for most of the Married-with-Children set. But, you are right, I have no need to call most of the MWCs because most of my post-work life is built around travel, nightlife, and the veil of deceit that is my dating life.

I've got no beef with the preggers folks out there...my real anger begins when I get

Beat Down at the Local Pool Hall

My friend Rina (you remember Rina, don't you?) and I hung out last week; I suggested hangin' out with my buddy Rob "Jellybean" Grant, but he was going to see that shit-lookin' Tommy Lee Jones movie "Man of the House"...so, Rina suggested pool. I was down, so we rolled up to Orange Ball, a billiards shop near my apartment.

As we were approaching the doors, Rina stopped. "Oh, DAMN! I forgot my pool cue!"

Trouble, I thought. I play pool maybe once a year...and, this girl has her own fucking stick???

What happened next will go down in Bellview lore as one of my lowest moments, eclipsing the time our high school hoops team got beat down by Keith Bullock (who went on to star at Michigan), or when I lost something like 45 games in a row of "Street Fighter II" to my buddy Jeff "Not Dong" Wang back in college. Rina walked in, got us a set of balls, and proceeded to bitch-slap me around the pool hall to the tune of Rina 28, Justin 2. Of the two that I did win, Rina scratched on the 8-ball in one of those games, so I really legitimately only won once.

Granted, I cleared my set and scratched on the 8-ball at least a half-dozen times myself...but I still would have lost a large number of games at the hands of the ruthless Rina. What made it worse was that Rina--who was shit-talk free for most of the night, much to my surprise--didn't win like 10 in a row and then quietly take a game off to allow me a chance to win. She would wax my ass, patiently wait for me to re-rack the balls, and then proceed to wax my ass again. And again. And again. If the term "practice dummy" ever rang true, it sure rang true that night, friends.

Don't worry...my ego took the weekend to relax before going back into the world of recruiting. Clearly, I won't allow Rina to get me like THAT again!

"So, What About the Oscars?"

Yeah, the Oscar broadcast. Here's the thing...I really didn't watch much of the show between awards, because "Heat" was on pay cable and I love that more than I love the Oscar broadcast. Things that I did catch and must make note of:

I did watch some of the opening monologue; man, the bit that Chris Rock gave us about "Fahrenheit 9/11", Bush and being a cashier at The Gap was classic.
As I mentioned in the review of "Million Dollar Baby", Morgan Freeman really does have the best stare into the distance in the history of film, and now the man has an Oscar to prove it. The standing O was classy.
It's shocking how many true luminaries past away last year. That, plus the recent death of Johnny Carson, made for an "In Memoriam" segment that was lengthy and effective.
I missed the line regarding the "Four Presenters" when Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek came out...but, cheers to Oscar for wisely putting two ridiculous beautiful women on stage together.
Another wise move--putting the nominees for the lesser awards on-stage or near a stationary mic so we could minimize the time taken on those awards. Really quite brilliant, when you think about it; the show only ran for just over three hours, which felt like a sprint to me.
Note to Sidney Lumet--tell you daughter to put some clothes on! Girl was bursting out of that dress!

Given all of this, though...none of it is as good as the post-bank robbery shootout in "Heat." Riveting. Too bad the Oscars weren't, at least not this year. You know what else isn't riveting?

UVA Basketball

Really, for my money, I can't think of any time where I have been this consistently ashamed of the fact that I'm a UVA basketball fan. Make no bones about it--we are dogshit, and when I watched the recent UVA-Wake Forest blowout on Sunday with my buddy Karl "The Daddy" Shin, you almost can't believe that the team looks like it is getting worse.

Do you realize that we probably won't even get a bid to the NIT this year? Some fool ranked us in the teens back in December!! Ugh. My latest attack on the team has nothing to do with Pete Gillen any more, because as bad as he is, it's not the head coach's job to regularly work with the team on a player-by-player basis. Some of this shit needs to fall on the assistant coaches, who have somehow not improved the play of Elton Brown at all this season. They also have two shooting guards (now, there's irony, folks) that are shooting 35% from the floor or less...FOR THE SEASON! Isn't it crazy to think that J.R. Reynolds is shooting 35% from the field and 84% from the line? Or is it crazier that T.J. Bannister is shooting 29% from the floor and 86% from the line?

Gillen isn't completely blameless here; I'm over the rampant time-out calling now, but it is stunning to watch teams run one play over and over on us without any kind of correction from the bench. I'm never going to forget the backdoor cutting that N.C. State slapped us around with last season (chronicled in "79-63"), and Wake did the same thing to us on Sunday, as their lead swelled from 9 to 19 in the blink of an eye. By the way, yes, we still have a shot at locking up last place in the ACC this season (aka "The #11 Seed), a black eye on a program that doesn't have the cojones to fire the entire coaching staff before the season is over...but should consider doing it the Monday following the ACC Tournament.

Breathe, Justin, breathe...I should be calm again just in time to watch the tournament in person next weekend. Is this a good thing?

Random Bellviews, courtesy of Bell and Longer Community Trust:

The fact that another country's monetary unit is Dong: Opening Weekend
15-year-old shittalkers: $9.50 Show
Free tickets to an Atlanta Hawks game: Matinee
Eating McMuffins five days a week: Rental
Going to work on Wednesday, then on Thursday finding out your company has ceased operations: Hard Vice

bellview--i love to nibble

Potpourri 12