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"Predator"

guest essay by Charles "Chuck" Longer

4/11/05

The year was 1988.  I'd just finished my daily game of Contra (up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start) when my friend Dusty Davidson--yes, his name was Dusty--called to say there was a new movie at the dollar theater called "Predator."  I was 14 and my parents were pretty strict on age-appropriate viewing, so I couldn't pass up the chance to see an R-rated flick.  The whole time I was there, I was giddy like a little girl who’d just gotten the Barbie mansion for her birthday.  (I figured it was either the excitement of "breaking the law" or puberty, but I couldn't tell which.)  16 years later, having come "of age" and made it through puberty (which is admirable), I still get those chills every time it runs on TNT, TBS, TCM, or any other Ted Turner-owned station.

For the uninitiated, "Predator" is about a commando unit sent into the jungles of Central America to rescue hostages being held by rebels (because jungles are always teeming with rebels).  After completing their mission, the commandos' jungle extraction is interrupted by an alien hunter bent on collecting their skulls like big game hunters collect moose heads.  The Predator kills each member of the unit until he tries to off A. Schwarzenegger...a task that everyone knows is impossible.  Arnold escapes, turns from hunted to hunter, and he and the Predator go mano-y-mano until stuff gets all blow'd up.

The unit, headed by Schwarzenegger, is one of the greatest collections of MEN ever put together on-screen.  Notable members include Carl Weathers (Apollo Creed, of "Rocky" fame) as Dillon, a GI-turned-yes-man who's out to prove that he's still tough; Bill Duke as Mac, the blackest black man this side of Darth Vader; Jesse Ventura (I-Minn.) as Blain, a mini-gun toting version of his real-life persona; and Sonny Landham as Billy, the baddest Native American to ever set foot on planet Earth.  There are a couple other members on the team, but their roles consist entirely of funny one-liners and gratuitously gory death sequences.

And speaking of death, the death sequences (and surrounding action) in "Predator" are the true substance of the film.  The first few fatalities are relatively benign--guys are shot or gored, given a quick cleaning, and hauled into the trees like Pennsylvania deer in October.  Once the team starts getting wise, though, things get a little more bloody.  Jesse Ventura catches a laser beam that leaves a beach ball-sized hole in his chest.  Apollo Creed, in one of the greatest man-death scenes ever, gets both his arms laser-beamed off and is then impaled.  (Insert strong man-scream here.)  His arms are severed so quickly, in fact, that his machine guns continue to fire because his fingers are still clenched around the triggers.  And we never learn EXACTLY what happens to poor Billy, but the man-scream we hear from him is SO miserable that we KNOW he didn't get off easy.

I could go on for days about talking about highlights in the film, but to keep it brief... 

1)  The opening handshake.

Arnold and Apollo Creed reunite for the first time.  Their handshake turns into an impromptu test-of-strength mid-air arm wrestling session, complete with man-grimacing and gratuitous biceps sweat.  YESSSsssssss!

2)  Destroying the rain forest.

This is one of the greatest Man-moments in movie history, barely second to when Russell Crowe kills all opposing Gladiators then goes on his “Is this what you paid to see?!?” spectator trash-talk tirade.  Mac sees the Predator, grabs Ventura's mini-gun, and starts unloading into the jungle.  Everyone else steps up and does the same.  Two minutes later, 100 yards of foliage have been mowed down by a shower of hot lead.  I LOVE THIS STUFF!

3)  Jesse Ventura's greatest line.

Commando: "Blain--you're bleeding."
Blain (Ventura): "I ain't got time to bleed."

Ventura used the line to title his autobiography.  Do we need to further discuss how HOT it is? 

3a)  Other classic lines (since we're already talking about them).

• Mac:  "Over here . . . Anytime . . ."

• Arnold:  "BILLY!"  (With appropriate Arnold inflection.)

• Mac:  "I'm gonna have me some fun...I'm gonna have me some fun..."

• Hawkins (another commando):  "Billy...you ain't scared of no man!"  Billy:  "This ain't no man."

• Arnold:  "Get to the chopper!"

• Ventura:  "Ya'll ain't nothin' but a bunch of slack-jawed f*ggots!  Eatin’ this will make you a godd*mn sexual ty-rann-o-saur . . . just like me!"

4)  Predator technology.

The Predator was an alien, so he had sweet technology on his side:  lasers, cloaking devices, heat vision, explosive wristbands...all beautiful innovations of the '80s.  But heat vision topped them all.  And they first time they cut to Predator-vision?  It was a fresh idea, it hadn't been done before, it was amazing then, and it’s still top-notch now.

5)  Arnold hunting the Predator.

The beauty of 80s action movies was the gear-up session right before the big fight.  Tie the boots...survival knife into sheath...grenades on belt...ammo belts on chest...paint the face...tie the headband...go blow stuff up.  (I'm so hyped right now I'm going to knock out 50 pushups.)  

"Predator" took it to the next level.  Not only did Arnold do most of that, but also had to construct his traps and weapons--tying vines to a 350lb log and then pulling it into position...opening grenades on banana leaves to collect gunpowder...making a bow-and-arrow out of logs and shoestrings...sneaking in a classic Arnold-muscle-flex shot as he bends the bow on his back...huge battle-cry to call out the Predator...SO HOT.

6)  Super-strong, smoke-filled, nuclear-explosion ending.

After being mortally wounded, the Predator sets off his self-destruct wristband (like all mortally wounded aliens do).  As Arnold starts running for his life, you can hear the Predator giving a last human laugh he learned from Billy earlier in the film.  Huge explosion ensues.  Helicopter flies towards the explosion, and as they get closer and the smoke clears, they see Arnold standing there by himself, striking a bulletproof tough-guy pose.  All men across the world cheer.

If you've ever read a Bellview before, you've probably heard about my infamous ability to fall asleep watching movies.  If it's late and I'm on the sofa, I'll do a sub-5-minute lights-out every time.  Even great movies like "Gladiator" have those moments when everything calms down momentarily for a monologue, plot twist, or some other action-lull.  "Predator", on the other hand, doesn't take those breaks; it’s one of the best-paced movies you’ll ever see.  It never gets so frenetic that you feel like you’re about to have a seizure, and it never gets so bogged down in unimportant detail that you’re wishing for a scene to hurry up and end, either.

Sidenote:  The plot’s so minimal that Justin and I regularly joke about the total number of lines in the movie.  We guessed 45 total, but to ensure accuracy, I actually tried to watch it again and count.  I got to 76 and then gave up because I was too interested in actually watching the movie.

Like Bell has mentioned before, the 80s perfected the action movie--solid special effects (including the classic A-Team explosion where guys get launched off air ramps right as pyrotechnics are lit), minimal plot, and nothing too demanding from the cast.  "Predator" is the best of the genre:  a perfect mix of action, scenery, and "acting" that never gets old.  This is the Tater Tot or Bagel Bite of the film world--something basic and ALWAYS tasty, yet never too filling.  And if there’s two things I’ll never pass up, it’s the Tot and the Bite.

 

Random Bellviews, courtesy of Bell and Longer Community Trust:

• Extra hour of daylight:  Opening Weekend

• Buying Wizards' PLAYOFF tickets:  $9.50 Show

• Baseball's opening day:  Matinee

• Spiders and other creepy-crawlies emerging from their winter hideouts:  Rental

• Orioles owner Peter Angelos keeping Nationals games from being broadcast...IN DC!:  Hard Vice

 

You can reach Chuck at clonger20@yahoo.com.