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The Trik Template

11/14/02

(My friend Melissa Kern is always chastising my generalities, so:  the following is not a stereotype of all women.  It is, however, a very accurate depiction of women that have broken off relations over the last five years with me, Brian “Schmoove” Prenoveau and Gordon “Mister” Stokes.  Use it as you will.)

A couple of months ago I went out with a pretty cool girl—actually, it was a blind date, and it was by far the best blind date I’ve been on.  In fact, I realized a day or two afterwards that it was the best first date I had ever been out on; everything clicked, she extended the time of the date despite a horrible cold she was suffering through, she wanted to go out again and she kissed me at the end of the night.  Naturally, that means that she was not interested and I haven’t gone out with her again.  Rather than writing another tirade about these kinds of dating experiences, I thought women would find it helpful (and guys would get a good laugh) to know exactly how to give nice guys the runaround after these kinds of dates, just to let us menfolk down easy.  Besides, 102% of the women that I know avoid confrontation at all, or no, costs, so e-mail is a perfect venue for you to try and tell us that you are interested, but oh so busy the rest of...your life.

All three of us are regularly given the gas face by women over e-mail, which in Schmoove’s estimation is the single-biggest cop out for women of all time, just eclipsing the second-biggest female excuse for anything, “It’s that time of the month.”  Because we are all nice guys that apparently do not deserve a phone call or any explanation as to why we should never hear from these ladies again, we are all very good at receiving vague, expressionless e-mails after successful dates.

As a side note, one of the five best phone calls I have ever received came from a girl I went out with one time named Carlota Bernal.  I’ll never forget that girl.  Half Mexican, half Swedish, all fine.  We went out on a date a couple years ago; I thought it went well enough to go out again, but by no means was it an all-star performance.  I called her a couple days later to go out again; she called back the next day and basically said this when I picked up:

“Hey Justin, it’s Carlota.  Listen, I had a good time the other night, but I don’t think I am interested in going out again.  I’m just not ready for a relationship right now, but thanks again for dinner and a nice conversation.”

Perfect.  PERFECT!!  I told Carlota thanks for being so honest and good luck to her in her endeavors.  I don’t think women believe that these phone calls really can be that easy, and to this day it is the only time I have been out with a girl less than five times and gotten a phone call to say “au revoir.”  Hey, maybe Carlota was already dating someone, maybe she thought I was ugly, maybe she really wasn’t ready for a relationship right now.  Didn’t matter—she spoke up when she had a gut feeling and didn’t make me prolong the issue.  And, my read was right on—the date was only okay for her, and it showed.

The following letter is compiled from four real e-mails we have gotten from other women, and it was amazing how similar they all were.  Copping out of things naturally falls under “The Trik Theory”, which has been covered in previous Bellview essays.  Assume that the most recent date took place on a Friday night.

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Hey there (insert guy’s name here),

So, how was the rest of your weekend?  Pretty busy on my end.  I had (friends in from out of town/to work/lots of errands to run), so I am still pretty beat.  Did you do anything fun?

Listen, about (dinner/the game/the play you already bought tickets for) tonight...I really feel bad about this, but I have to cancel.  I completely forgot that I have to (work late tonight/do a night hike/go on my third date with another, more interesting, more handsome, richer guy) tonight; I know this is short notice...can we reschedule?  Maybe we can talk next week sometime?  I have a lot going on next week too but I am pretty sure we can get together sometime.

BTW, I had a great time on Friday night.  You are so funny!  That (Indian place/burger joint/crap you got from Safeway) was really good, wasn’t it?  I would love to go there again sometime.

Well, talk to you soon (by “soon”, I mean never).

 

Triksy

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Now, some analysis:

Justin:

You want to make sure that you are vague.  Make it brief, like you were in a hurry, and only kind of care that you are bagging on someone that might be really interested in you.  You almost want to make it sound like he has got other options for tonight, even though you know deep down inside that he had only planned to go out with you tonight.  The line in the second paragraph, “I have a lot going on next week...” is really key.  You need to really sell it like you are interested in going out again, but you don’t want to nail down next week (or, hell, even next month, for that matter).  This way, when you bail out again next week (because you WILL), you won’t look so bad because, hey, you weren’t too sure of your schedule and that could have happened to anybody.

I know when I get this e-mail—happens in about 85% of my first date experiences—I already know that I am out, so you don’t want to bother too much with details but be sure to include the pertinent points.  After you say the word “Listen,” the rest is just for my entertainment anyway, so make your vagueness good enough that I will want to forward it on to my friends to laugh at you.  Because, trust me, I do it every time a girl sends me an e-mail like this, and it helps me come up with new material.

 

Brian:

You want to be sure to let him down easy by starting off your message with light conversation.  You could probably swap out our introduction with something about a common joke shared on the first date, or bringing the parts about the first date on Friday up in the first line instead of the last paragraph.

Justin doesn’t like it, but in the “money” paragraph (paragraph 2), it is essential that you give the impression of further interest.  Without this, the letter loses all credibility.  As corny as it always is, you want to sound like you ARE really sorry that you got a better offer that morning to do something else.  If you just came out and talked about this in a joking tone, not only are you blowing us off, you are laughing in our general direction, which is pretty sad.

 

Gordon:

If using e-mail, it's very important to create the feeling that a second or third date IS going to happen.  Tempting a man with the possibility of another great night out will make him feel great.  However, after really expressing how much you want to hang out again, it is vital that you explain how many tasks you suddenly will undertake in the next week and a half to two weeks.  Not ordinary day-to-day things, but Herculean tasks.  "I had a great time, and I want to hang out again, but I just remembered that my four years of research on the Galapagos turtles is due next Thursday, I have to work late every day next week, I need to drive my great aunt to the airport, and ... oh yeah, I forgot, I'm moving.  Maybe you could help and we could hang out then."

If talking by phone, the words are one thing, but the tone of the voice seals the deal.  It's a higher pitched, eager, yet regretful tone.  It's not so much of the tone you take when you accidentally bump into someone while walking in a crowded area and you make nice by saying, "Excuse me."  It's more the tone you take when you're talking to your annoying-ass neighbor, and you're in a hurry to get somewhere, but they want to go on and on about nothing, but you can't totally ignore them, so you sound like you are interested.  The whole time you're politely giving them one word answers so you can cut the conversation, but you know the next time you see the neighbor, they'll still want to talk to you.  Tricky, yet this can be mastered.

We hope that all of this helps.  If it doesn’t, well, listen, ah,...

 

Random Bellviews, courtesy of Bell & Longer Community Trust:

• Having three visitors here in San Francisco in the last six weeks:  Opening Weekend

• Coupons for free massage sessions:  $9.00 Show

• Being told that you are pretty handsome...by two women in their 50s at the dentist:  Matinee

• Getting a phone call for the 17th consecutive day from someone upset with me for canceling the New Year’s event “too early”:  Rental

• Flu-like symptoms, construction on your house and being unemployed:  Hard Vice

 

justin@bellviewmovies.com