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HM

6/23/03

My friends Brandon and Anne came to San Francisco last fall to “hang out” and while taking a stroll on the Golden Gate Bridge, Anne and I had an animated discussion regarding one of the most overused terms in the English language:

High maintenance.

Everyone seems to know someone—usually a girl, and if not, that guy is usually considered a ManBitch—that is high maintenance, but no one seems to have a secure handle on just it means to be high maintenance...so, I took a one-day poll.  (Results are not statistically significant, because I don’t have to be.)  To semi-protect the innocent, I have included all 12 of their comments, along with mine, but I have scrambled the order.

Respondents this time, in alphabetical order, are:  Jason “Another Year, Another Shitty UNC Football Season” Bates, Justin “The Baconologist” Bell, Ameet “Dook Blows” Dhokai, Charles Fields, “White” Justin Fromm, Leigh “Goin’ for the” Guthrie, Nik “The Fist” Jordan, Aaron “Kitty” Katzman, Tricia “Tricks Are No Treat” Ocampo, Stefan “Stefdog” Prelog, Anne Pugh, Erin Rupprecht and Quan “I’m DEFINITELY Hangin’ Out” Tiet.

As always, comments welcome...toying with another one of these for late summer.

---

“High maintenance girls are a pain in the ass.  The word I most associate with this is ‘insatiable.’  There’s simply no pleasing her; you can’t take her to parties without worrying about what she might be offended by or upset about.  I usually don’t last long with those types because my patience for that kind of shit is quite low.”

“High maintenance--Someone or something that requires you to exert a lot of energy and time on little things that don't really matter all that much.”

“If a person is high maintenance, he/she tends to overanalyze situations that involve personal relationships and requires constant attention from their significant others and their friends so that person is assured that they are loved or are part of the group. I think high maintenance people are generally pessimistic, and in the worst cases, they just tend to suck the fun out of the room for everybody.”

“High Maintenance...hmmm.  I most often think of it in terms of women...or cars.  I'll start with cars.  In that context it is a vehicle that needs a lot of attention.  Actually, that's what it means in terms of women too.  ‘I'm bored, come over and entertain me.’  ‘What do you mean there's only beer?  You know I don't drink beer.’  ‘Since there are no parking spots at the mall this Sunday morning, why don't you just sit here and I'll go in - I promise I'll be back in no more than 2 hours!"  Any woman who can't find her way on the subway and needs to be picked up despite the fact that she lives 45 minutes in the opposite direction.  That girl who can't find what she wants on the menu.”

“I'm big into etymology (word origins, stupid!).  You break down the word ‘maintenance’ you get the ‘man’ root which means ‘hand’ and the ‘tenere’ root which means ‘holding’.  So it literally breaks down into ‘hand holding’.

Hand holding is a form of emotional security...crossing the street as a kid, your mom would insist on holding your hand. You'd grumble, but you'd secretly be comforted by the human shield.  Chicks grow up, usually hot chicks, and are really insecure because their beauty is transient, guys might just be interested in the ‘hump and dump’, other chicks constantly trying to one-up them, magazines promulgating anorexia and rampant pre-pubescent sexuality, whatever - they are really insecure & need constant validation.

They look for emotional and material gifts from guys and, if they don't get them often, they lash out at the man's insecurities.  Men can be turned into whimpering, sniveling babies if they lose access to sex or snuggles...hence, they tend to their girlfriend's insecurities no matter what the emotional or financial costs.”

“High maintenance = annoying, i.e., whiny, needy, stuck up, picky, always dressed up and made up even when just going to the grocery store or the video store.  Basically requiring more attention than a 2-year-old and loving it.”

“High Maintenance individuals are those who need lots of extra care taken for them.  Lots of upkeep.  Most people have high maintenance moments, during times of crises most people need some extra coddling or attention, but true high maintenance types need this sort of attention and coddling all the time.  The real question is if the person is worth the maintenance.  The high maintenance quotient has a direct relationship with the attractiveness of the individual.  Not just looks, but overall attractiveness.  If a person has a high maintenance quotient, that person should have a high level of attractiveness...hence making the extra attention and coddling worthwhile.  The problem comes when the maintenance factor is not equal to the attractiveness factor.  If the person is high maintenance, but low on the attractiveness scale, then there is a problem.  If the person is low maintenance, and high on the attractiveness scale then marry her quick, before she realizes how attractive she really is, and that she can do better than you.    Obviously things like money and ass have to factor into the equation as well; generally there is an inverse relationship.”

“Men and women can both be high maintenance.  If you want to be able to hang with this person, a lesson in micromanagement is essential.  H.M. people are thrown in a state if flux if something is out of whack. Usually they cause a lot of stress because you end up having to deal with minutiae that you could care less about.  In its simplest terms it is someone who cannot easily adjust.  While for some these things become a minor inconvenience this person ceases to function properly.  It is someone who when you go to the movies can't deal because the theater is crowded and he/she refuses to sit in the first few rows. Instead of coping the person insists on leaving and finding a less crowded movie.”

“So the definition of high maintenance:  adj.—demanding more attention (than usual).  Everyone in life is high maintenance if you look at the bigger picture.  We are all obsessive/compulsive about something in life. But the problem is, our society uses this word in a negative manner.  When in actuality, it is a good thing.  We wouldn't have many things in this world if people weren't high maintenance.”

“This term is waaaay too broad.  I actually had this discussion Saturday night at the Norah Jones concert (in which I got stuck going with a guy I used to date this past winter).  There is the high maintenance – ‘I take a lot of time to get ready’ kind of girls who take over an hour to get ready...even just to go to the grocery store.  Those kind of chicks really irk me.  You can only take them to shi-shi kinds of bars/lounges and they would never be the kind to just chill out at the local watering hole.  Those also seem to be the kind of chicks who always seem to get showered with gifts...hmmm, maybe I should turn into one of those.  How do they do it?

Then there is the – ‘I need every ounce of your attention’ type of girls, which supposedly I am according to several former daters of mine.  I guess I am needy emotionally and need attention!  Hahaha...I just like being the center of attention...nahahahaha.”

“Destiny's Child provides arguably the best definition of ‘high maintenance’ in their song ‘Bug A Boo’. I do wonder what the follow up song would be to the attached smash hit, now that the self proclaimed ‘glamorous ghetto fabulous’ diva has been reduced to B grade remixes of famous rap songs.  According to her, ‘she done came up and she ain't changed.’

"You make me wanna throw my pager out the window/Tell MCI to cut the phone poles
Break my lease so I can move/Cause you a bug-a-boo, a bug-a-boo
I wanna put your number on the call block/Have AOL make my e-mail stop
Cause you a bug-a-boo/You're buggin'
What ya buggin'? Who ya buggin'? Me
And don't you see it ain't cool

It's not hot/That you be callin' me, stressin' me
Pagin' my beeper, you're just non-stop/And it's not hot
That you be leavin' me messages every ten minutes
And then you stop by
When I first met you, you were cool/But it was game, you had me fooled
Cause twenty minutes after I gave you my number/You already had my mailbox full"

“Physical part: looks, appearance, how you are perceived.  This includes those who have to get showered and ready to do anything.  The makeup process may be involved, blow dry the hair, everything in place.  Get the nails and hair done frequently.  Visit salons.  Very in tune with appearance.  I would like to note that this does not always need to affect a guy if the HM person is a female.  If she is getting all her services without him (i.e. he is not paying or taking her) it does not affect him.  If she gets ready on time even if it takes longer this does not affect him too much.  Also remember there is the HM guy as well or better know as the "pretty boy".  He needs to get his hair all gelled up and in place, has to wear the right clothes and check his mirror view all the time.  The guy is usually a wine and dine showy type who likes to look good and for people to notice he looks good.

Personality or whatever you call the non-physical part:  HM people always have to go to certain places.  When they go out on a date they need to select the locations and it is somewhere nice and worthy of them.  They are not looking to drop by Taco Bell or the 2 AM burrito joints in SF.  They need the car door opened and chair pulled out or it is bad news.  When it is time for a gift for whatever occasion, it better be good.  Oh did I mention if you pick them up in a not so hot car.... not the best idea.  Appearances are important.  The person may not be all of the snobby parts of the description but be someone who can't just go with the flow.  They need to be going to some hot spots and nice places.”

“To me, the definition of high maintenance is my dear friend Jill*, who never spends the night at her boyfriend's without bringing along her grooming box (her term), which is the size of decent-sized tool box, but in brushed steel.  I have no idea what's in that sucker.  Also, she once spent $90 at Harrod's on a hair brush.  Her hair does always look lovely, though.  She almost tempted me into getting one.  Almost.  *Names have been changed to protect the high maintenance.”

 

Random Bellviews, courtesy of Bell and Longer Community Trust:

• Sweat pants at home:  Opening Weekend

• “NBA Street, Vol. 2”:  $9.50 Show

• Teaching and having the whole summer off...and having no friends to watch “The Price is Right” with:  Matinee

• Pop-up ads:  Rental

• Getting a work transfer...to Gary, Indiana:  Hard Vice

 

 

justin@bellviewmovies.com