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The Date Auction 2:  Always Say Never Again

10/26/04

As you remember (and if you don't, shame on you) in our first installment of The Date Auction, I went out on a date that I had purchased for charity, with a girl that spent most of our "date" talking about six other dates she had been on during the past month.  This was fun, because I had most of a pitcher of sangria and pretended to listen to her stories, but ultimately not what I had in mind when I put down the check to make that date happen.

I didn't really mind, though, because I knew that eventually, I would be going out with a girl that had purchased me as part of the same auction.  Although I didn't hear from her for a month, I finally did hear back from "Sunshine" (name changed for effect) and we set up a time and place for our blind date, which happened about a month ago.

There's this Bond film called "Never Say Never Again."  While it's not a great film, it brings to mind an excellent point--in general, you should never say "never again" because in life, you never know what's going to happen, and you never want to throw away the chance to discover something or someone new because one or two bad experiences turn you off to a particular idea.

However, in the case of blind dates, I have been through the trenches my friends, and after this last blind date, this is one thing that I can say to the good people of dating America:

Blind dates?  Never again.

Including my date auction blind date, I have been on six blind dates.  This--for better or worse, but for now, we'll agree on "worse"--makes me something of a Blind Date Expert, so hopefully you will read the words that follow and really think hard on whether or not going out on blind dates is a good idea.

Some people confuse what the term "blind date" means, so let me define for you what a blind date is.

"Blind date"--any time you go out with a person of the romantic inclination you prefer without having ever seen a picture of that person and having sent less than three e-mails and/or made one phone call.  95% of the time, you go on one of these dates at the urging of a friend/family member/co-worker/local priest that knows both parties and acts as a go-between, taking into account his/her knowledge of the two people being set up.

(I asked around for some opinions on this, and for the most part, it's the one-time-viewing of a picture sent through e-mail that I disagree upon the most with my friends.  Personally, I think seeing a picture of the person you are going to be meeting--even as a point of identification, so you don't have to stumble around a meeting place looking for your companion--changes things 100%, since the psychological effect the picture can have on the date cannot be measured.  And, after having been on dates where the picture was essentially a lie, man...the picture takes away a lot.  In online dating situations, you shop based on the picture, so you can never claim to be going on a blind date after having rejected 50 potential dates because their pictures all sucked.)

Sunshine and I exchanged exactly six e-mails (three a piece, staying on track for Blind Date status) before deciding on time and place for our date.  We didn't talk on the phone, but exchanged cell digits in case either one of us was running late.

In the case of my date auction date, this was a "one-way-blind" situation, since the girl that bought me had already seen me and read a bio on me and knew what she was getting herself into.  I am generally an optimist, so even though these dates seem to never go well for me, I still went into it thinking that this could be the greatest blind date of all time.

This thinking lasted approximately six seconds.

I met up with Sunshine at Cafe Asia in Arlington, an airy Asian restaurant that is maybe one of the worst locales for a date in the history of anything, ever, because when it gets crowded you have to literally yell to be heard across your table.  Because I am sexist and therefore convinced that women cannot come to dinner on time unless their child's life, their job or their mortgage hangs in the balance, I intentionally showed up ten minutes late for our date.  I walked into the area where folks can sit and wait for their party to arrive, and as I was the only one in the waiting area (it was around 8:15 on a Wednesday night), I was pretty sure she would find me.

Sunshine walked in and we did the uncomfortable "Hey, are you Justin?"/"Hey, are you Sunshine?" exchange before shaking hands and walking up to the hostess to be seated.  Although I am a very chill person in most circumstances, I always seem to be nervous in the ten minutes just prior to and just after any first date begins.  Can't explain it.  It even happens at times when I already know the person, but knowing that I am about to be on a date with that person makes me nervous.

What's interesting about this date is that as soon as I met Sunshine, I wasn't nervous at all, because I realized this was going to be a major clusterfuck that was going to end with me getting home in time to watch "Sportscenter."  It's hard to explain why I knew this...actually, no it isn't.

Whereas I am always nervous just before and just after any first date begins, Sunshine was so nervous that in the first ten minutes of our date, I was desperately thinking of ways to end this and go back to my humble abode.  Hard to place my finger on why, although not being attracted to her and being scared about how nervous she was were clearly two major factors.  In these situations I always hope that the physical un-attraction will be mutual, so that if I'm not interested, at least she won't be interested, either.

We sat down at the table, and we made very surface-level small talk for a few minutes.  Warning sign #1 that this was going to go right down the shitter:  when the waitress first came over to take our order, Sunshine was essentially ready to order.  Even though I thought this was going nowhere, common courtesy for me means that I will spend some time bullshitting before looking over a menu.  So, I pulled out the menu and we ordered some appetizers.  Meanwhile, we had both gotten glasses of water, and Sunshine had her glass very close to the edge of our table...so close, that I thought any time she was about to laugh or react to one of my stories (more on that in a moment), she would knock the thing over.  So, I kept my left hand on my knee so that I could reach out and attempt to grab a falling glass should circumstances require it.

After ordering the apps, I decide (it's 8:20 at this point, give or take) that I am going to have as much fun as I can on this date, because hey, she's paying and it's ballsy to buy another person to go out on a date with them, so what the hell.  However, I just didn't think my date would be so painful, and much of this had to do with the fact that Sunshine did almost no talking.  I can talk about most anything, so I knew that if she even came up with something lukewarm, I could ride that topic for at least the dinner hour and then go home.  But, Sunshine was saying nothing, for long stretches...to give you an example, Sunshine had been busy lately because she had been on a two-week vacation in the U.K.

J:  So, how was your trip to England?  Have you been before?
S:  Oh, it was good...yeah, I've been before.
J:  Nice...what were you there doing?
S:  Visiting family.  You know, we just did a bunch of family stuff.
J:  Cool...uh, well, I went to England once.  Good times.  The thing about the people is...

...and then, I talked about something nonsensical for a while, just because I knew that she was giving me nothing if we continued to let her drive the conversation.   Talking about her job, and her life here in the DC area, and where she sees all of this going for her, all of these things elicited zero response, outside of "I don't know" or "oh, it's not that important."  I was struggling here, and it was only 8:30.

The appetizers came.  Instead of talking while taking little nibbles of the food, Sunshine was a fucking Hoover when it came to scarfing some pot stickers down in mere seconds.  "Yeah, I can really put it down" was her response to my dropped jaw, and this was even weirder when you consider that Sunshine weighs about a buck 10, at 5'9".  Where does it go??

I don't really remember what happened between the appetizers and our main dish, because I spent most of this time talking to fill the void but thinking about why I hate dating and all of this start-up business when it comes to meeting and taking out people I don't know.  I mean, I hate it...I haven't been out with someone in a situation like this for almost two years, dating mostly friends or acquaintances for the interim, so all of my hatred for this process came rushing back at me as I tried to force conversation upon a person that was clearly not built for doing a lot of talking.  Maybe Sunshine would have been great had I known her for a month or two before taking her out (although even then, I think we wouldn't have clicked); as it was, trying to build the rapport in this setting was completely useless because our personalities were so different.

So, I sat in agony, trying to make as many jokes as I could, but not anything super funny, since Sunshine's guffaw made other people turn to look, it was so awkward.  The food came, and then even I made sure to eat quickly, talking about Asian restaurants between bites of my General Tao chicken but pounding my rice-and-chicked arrangement all quick-like.  When our waitress brought the check, Sunshine nearly grabbed it out of her hand and--in one motion, as deftly as anything I had seen all night--stuck a credit card plus a gift certificate back into the billfold, allowing the waitress to go ahead and close us outta there ASAP.

Part of me thought that Sunshine was having as bad a time as I was, which started to make things easier.  The chemistry was just not there; even a blind man picked up on that, or at least he would have, had he still been sitting next to us at the restaurant.  There were never any hints of "we should do this again" or "I know this bar we should go hit up after we finish eating"...it was "I've got a long day at work planned tomorrow" or "I want to make sure I get back in time to get a good parking spot in my neighborhood."

This was sheer agony.

Sunshine paid off our bill and we walked outside.  I told Sunshine thanks for dinner; she thanked me for my patience, since we were on our blind date six weeks after she had paid for it.

I offered a handshake, thinking that would be a good way to end the night.  Sunshine--not seeing my hand extending--went for the friend kiss (a little nub on the cheek) and said good night.  We haven't spoken since then, "then" being a little over a month ago.

God bless the souls that go out on blind dates and have a good time; I'm sure some people do and some people simply love that stuff.  For me, I've adopted a new stance, one that stems from a half-dozen mostly bad experiences...never again.  (And, by "never again", I mean "never again, unless one of you knows Eva Mendes and wants to set us up.")

 

Random Bellviews, courtesy of Bell & Longer Community Trust:

• THE University of Virginia:  Opening Weekend

• Chick-Fil-A:  $9.50 Show

• Switching coasts for work:  Matinee

• The Maryland and Virginia DMVs:  Rental

• Knowing that your local team winning a championship means that your city will probably be completely on fire by 5 AM:  Hard Vice

 

justin@bellviewmovies.com